Good morning! Tuesday and Wednesday blog! I think about “what if” a lot! Not that I am living in the past, not wishing I could change things from the past! The things I know for sure and how my life changed, with each right or wrong choice, good or bad choice! I think you know what I mean! I have all of the uglies, they are mine! Guilt, shame, regret, making excuses, the list could go on and on! What is important, I carry them, they are mine, I don’t live in it anymore! I can sit and think about each one and what transpired to bring it about and it’s ok! I allow myself to cry, emotions are ok! I get angry, frustrated about life, it’s ok! Just do not get stuck! Keep moving past it! Each step past, will make you stronger, then you can stand up against each thing as it comes! They don’t leave, but the choices to visit them once in awhile, are mine! I have caused a lot of pain in my 66 years, I have also had a lot of painful things done to me! Whether they were done by circumstance or choice, if it left a trail of pain and suffering that just keeps stacking up, that tower will come crashing down! In some way, shape or form! I know, I cannot be the only one who has faced these issues! But, how many have dealt with each one! I have chased “what if’s” for years! You cannot erase it! You can use it though for change, for strength, for power and to help others see, you are not alone in your struggles! Whatever your battle is, two choices, two views! What an awakening that was for me! I grew up on this country road! A lot has changed out here, including how I look at my past! My adopted grandmother had children from orphanages, many, all of them boys, who took their pain out on me! Of course, I did not see it that way back then! But, the evil existed! I was just a child! I hated them! Now, looking back, what happened to them? Why were they removed from their homes back in the 50’s? I feel sorrow for them, I have forgiven them, I pray they have made all of the right choices to move past their pain! When I was 14, a trusted person hurt me, someone my parents trusted! I could ask, “what if”! Deep hidden pain will control you and blind you! I went looking in all of the wrong places! But I have also reaped beauty! My children and grandchildren are my crowns of glory! But my pain still existed! Suicide is a very ugly word! It has touched way to many lives! I believe in my heart of hearts, not one of them wanted to die! You just want the pain to stop! I have a mental illness, my views have been very distorted! I am bipolar 1, when mood swings up and down, very poor choices! I did not know how to swim, when I crawled up on the Cherry Street Bridge! Sitting on the ledge crying! Yes it grieves me! I did not want to die! I had a child! “What if” I had fallen in the water? Someone saw me, police came! Mental illness back then was not dealt with properly! I spent the night in jail, to ashamed to seek help! Being a perfectionist, I kept moving forward, not understanding why my moods went up and down so severely! I can’t let anyone see that! My life went on, I love my family! It was never about them! It’s about pain so deep, your whole physical being hurts to your soul! My choices after our children were grown, once again became very distorted! I was mentally killing my family! I went to church, I knew God! I had already been in psychiatric! One Sunday morning in my pain, I pulled the car in the garage and waited to fall asleep! Thank God, I was found! Again, “what if”! Please I urge you! Do not leave that kind of “what if” behind you! Even after all of the pain I knew I was causing, I thought I had the right to do anything I wanted! Like becoming addicted to one thing after another! That’s why I say, do not wait until you are 63 to get it all together! In light of my Denny being sick now, my biggest regret, is wasted time! ” What if ” I only have today? Make it count! I am not perfect and I never will be! But, I will not stop working and pushing forward to be my best self! The Marilyn that God has always wanted me to be! It is not my intention to hurt my family by sharing my life! We all know someone in pain! Don’t be afraid to speak! God gave me a very loving, patient and forgiving family! I love them all so much! Think about your “what if” it might cause a chain reaction, that won’t stop! God bless!❤️🤗🤗❤️
Marilyn’s Heart 