Marilyn’s Heart

Good evening. Tuesday blog. It’s true, when I was drowning in self pity, before recovery. Everyday whining about why God had not helped me yet! Jesus hand was right there the whole time. Like a life preserver. All I had to do was place my hand in His! That simple. No, you have to put in the work. You want it, or you don’t. God became my constant helper, I had to put in the time to change. Only you can change you. Gods miracles appear each time you move forward with a positive change. You have to talk to God. He already knows everything! You can’t pull the wool over Gods eyes. Sit down, He is listening. Nothing like a heart to heart chat, to clear the air. So to speak. God wants us to come to Him for all of our needs. He asks, trust and obey! I am not to proud to say, while Denny was so sick, getting worse, and after God took him, I cannot do this life alone! I can’t get through grief alone. He wipes my tears in His time. He is here for me. I want nothing else! God will take care of my every need! Baskets of money is not going to fall from the sky! At some point, I will need to get a job! No reason why I can’t. It’s called responsibility! I’m in good health. God will help me, take care of me! God is good! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I am giving in right now! I had a busy day. I feel I am off kilter with my inner clock! I don’t like it. I feel scrambled every morning! I do not like Procrastination! I did it my whole life. Put my name on something, volunteer for something, then, stay up all night to get it done! Then, be worthless to my family! Part of mania! I do not have any deadlines here! I just want my normal routine back. My daughter called this morning, headache. Procrastinating all morning. She did not walk, she had a good reason. Me, I wanted to use her headache to not walk! It’s not a sin to not walk! But I had no excuse. I went, loved every minute of it! Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today! I cleaned a house, I visited some cousins, and my heart was full when I came home. Thank you again Lord! I am sleepy. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. I saw lots of family today. Children, some grandchildren, and of course the youngest, my great grandson. That little guys smile can light up a room. He is a delight. Papa and I would have had fun with him together. He won’t remember meeting you, but I have the pictures to prove it! Even if the visit isn’t long, so worth the time. 5 minutes on the phone, can do a heart well! Even a text can lift your heart. I made cookies today, Denny always ate the first one, today I did. Our circle of life will continue on! I see him in everything I look at, and I smile! Missing him will not stop. God is my key! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. The one thing that I love besides Denny and our family, is all of the pictures my phone can hold! I am always taking pictures of pictures. I think we all do that! A whole photo album right in my hand! I love looking at his pictures, but I never know how one will hit me! Hit the button and put it away! I wish I could hit a button and put grief away! Please go sit on the shelf for awhile! I have to go to sleep, I feel drained. The only thing I completed today was my walk. Thats a good thing. God knows my heart when I cannot speak. Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I think this is a good topic in light of how horrific our world is. Once again, I want to make it clear, what discussion I have here is about my own personal life with Denny and our life. We had a lot come at us, fast and furious. Our own emotions we didn’t even know how to handle. Nobody said anything, nobody did anything! There was a long period of time, in general, over the years that no one spoke of any painful thing in their life or their families lives. No one ever got up to say anything about the memories with and of family and friends, at funerals or memorials. I knew as soon as Denny passed, I had to tell everyone what an amazing man he was, my husband, a father, a papa, a great papa, and all of the things that made him who he was. Our daughter spoke about her father and I did also. So 7 years later and his passing, you never know. I don’t care how angry you are with someone, anyone, family or friends. Still hug them, kiss them and never let an I love you go unsaid! If Denny and I went to bed angry or not speaking, I would poke him in the back, until he gave up! Anything can happen in the middle of the night, or on a run to the store. Guilt and regret are two things I never wanted to live with. They have there place, then get rid of them. Life has it’s beautiful moments, make sure the moments are beautiful memories, when memory is all you have left. I am the vocal one, now, not before, but enough so he would know if something happened. On Friday night, January 24th 2020, was the last time I heard his voice. We said good words before we went to sleep, as we did every night, here, rehab, or hospital. You cannot walk around with your head in the clouds. I do not fret, stress, or worry about tomorrow. Especially things I cannot control, like other people! Love them, right where they are in life. Not everyone travels at the same speed. What matters, learn and apply. If you slip or make a mistake or whatever, don’t go backwards, only room for forward. Don’t keep looking for what’s around the corner. Finish today. Life is hard, harsh, not fair. You have to choose, and practice joy, happiness, thankfulness, and gratefulness. 21 days to a new habit. If you do not succeed, keep going, don’t give up! If a “ you never know” shows up, you will feel defeated. Notice I said feel. Don’t run on feelings, trouble every time! God loves us right where we are, no matter what. Give it to Him, and put on your best smile! Stay strong in life and in trials. God is good. We do not know what tomorrow holds! Love and sweet dreams. Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. What a day of love I have had! I spent the day with family, at different intervals! My daughter has been doing a garage sale this week, I am helping. Saw the granddaughters also. Then we went to Costco, I have not been there in almost 2 years! That was fun, walking around. Then to my sons house, saw daughter in law, grandsons also, and bonus, great grandson! Came home, granddaughter came to get a dress altered, and with her brother. A friends wedding this weekend. Most of the family in one day. Blessings! I love them all so much. I need them. I’ll take it as it comes! Last day of sale tomorrow! In this pandemic, families have been separated, like never before. Who would of thought we couldn’t hug our own loved ones! But, how awful would we feel if our precious little guy would get sick. My heart is full tonight. I’ll be with family again tomorrow! I love my kids and grandkids so much! I still, when I look at them, can’t believe how fast time went. My newest passion and somewhat addiction is Herbalife! What a full day. Can’t believe we are facing another weekend! I have so much to be grateful for. I do count my blessings. God has lifted me up, praise Him. It’s a wonderful thing to see generations growing, year after year. I miss Denny so much, and when I am with family, I am sad sometimes that he does not get to see it all. Just humanness. He is seeing so much more! Thank you dear God in Heaven for all of the family years you gave us. Memories so precious. I was able to talk about Denny today without crying! Progress! I love you all, my family and friends. Your thoughts and prayers, still mean so much! God is good. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog! What are you waiting for? That’s the question, I had a torn meniscus, don’t know how. I certainly was not active then. It was painful, rehab felt like surgery all over again! X rays showed my knee needed replacement. I was a big chicken then. I waited 7 years. I could hardly walk. So, had it done, I had already had my weight bypass, I was eager to do some kind of walking after rehab. I will never wait for surgery like that again. I wore my own hip out because I walked in pain for 7 years. Then the other hip went. I was exercise walking by then. I healed nicely and quickly! I only used the walker 1 week. I have 3 replacements. Currently, I have had 3 injections in my last knee. No pain for 5 or 6 months. Denny also had a hip replaced, in the same time frame, we had a lot going on in our life. I was already good into recovery when I had my last hip. Denny was already 3 years with Parkinson’s! I guess I’m sharing so much, to let all of you know, these detours in life, they do not have to knock you offtrack! Between us, we had 6 major surgeries in 4 years, then came countless hospital stays, rehab stays and home rehab. The most important part of all of this, was my rededication to Jesus and my recovery! Jesus took us through quite a fire! We held tight, it was a bumpy ride! Ultimately ending with Denny passing! It is so important to me for all of you to know, setbacks in life, do not mean you stop living! No feeling sorry for yourselves. I won’t do it! If your body needs fixing, don’t wait, it might become worse! God is good. He will carry you! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. OK, before I start tonight, I want all of you to know! I am not licensed in any area of life. I do not have a degree in anything I talk about. I am not a life coach, fitness instructor or a dietician. I am a senior citizen, a bipolar woman, addictive personality, who made excuses for her behavior her whole life! I did not see the light until I was 63, I am 67! Again, I am not an expert! I do say, don’t wait until your 63. No guarantees. I don’t like to hear people say, I am to old to learn. That’s not true, if you are still breathing! I have proven to myself, that was a lie! My very favorite time to walk is the crack of dawn! But, I am flexible! Like with my daughter and granddaughter! Always good company! This virus has all of my relationships messed up. I was out today, JC Penny store and a fruit and vegetable market! It was wonderful, like a real person! My daughter does Herbalife, she has been treating me to there energy boosting products! I must say, I feel amazing, and I want more! I use to hear sports folks say my personal best. I like that term. I have been using it in my smoothie, energy! Fantastic! Do not short change yourself. I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. That has been said to me. Healthy and strong was my goal to take care of Denny at home. I achieved that. Not because I’m an expert, because I loved him. You are never to old to change. There are good carbs and not so good! I still stand guilty of grabbing on the go. I need to recognize the difference! Now, having and keeping a positive attitude has become a good addiction! Not that I obsess about it, I don’t. I do try to stay conscious of it. That’s the part that’s great about being a human, you have the right to choose and change. No one can do that for you. If you want change, your the boss. Start talking to yourself. It makes a difference. Stop looking at yourself in a negative light. You will feel better being positive and applying it to your life! These choices for me did not happen overnight! Early 2016, I gave my life back to Jesus! That step, made all the difference! He is my leader, He is my coach, He is my rock, my comforter, my biggest cheerleader. He tells me all good things and that His promises are true! I could go on and on! Jesus is at the head of all I have going. He is the reason I can keep moving forward in my grief. There are healthy ways to handle everything. My tears are healthy, I am going in the right direction! I am learning positive, not perfection! Happy and joyful are my choices as soon as I open my eyes! I do not lay there and think! I said before, I love the Nike slogan, Just Do It! And, I cannot wear their shoe! Lol! I know this is lengthy. I am pretty passionate about all of us taking care of our bodies, the temple of God! Everyone said, take care of the caregiver, meaning me. Well, that’s done, I am still important enough to keep taking care of me. Much love to all of you! Change one choice at a time. God is good! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Sharing my collage from this morning post. Happy 19 weeks in heaven today, unreal. I miss you every minute of every day! I do stay positive through this grief thing! That’s important. I have not stopped any of my positive choices! I am starting my 8th journal since 2014. I also started a grief journal, to monitor myself. My blog is a positive thing for me! I still write poetry. I look for ways to make money! Listen to K-Love radio. Devotions and Bible reading in the morning! Let’s not forget walking! That’s the best one. I cry through it all. I thank God for Kleenex! Life does not stop, when a normal part of life takes place. God is good and always will be! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. You know, I do not like to sound like a broken record. Grief still washes over me. I don’t have to be doing anything, no thinking, nothing on my mind, no reading, no music. Just grief running all over my face. It just shows up. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I welcome it. Then, the scatter brain thrown in the mix. I really don’t like that! When it starts, it starts, when it’s over, it’s over. Sometimes when you think you are done, there are little after shocks. That which does not kill you, makes you stronger! The dictionary says suffering and pain should be used as an opportunity to grow. That’s a good thing. I have some of that going on! God has been so good to me. I just feel and know His presence is real and with me. I certainly know the importance of prayer now. No matter how long it lasts, it dries up. I can carry on. I have been getting some sun, that makes me feel good. When we had our pool in town, all of us were tan all summer! How I miss pizza by the pool with my grandkids. Well, that’s my check in on grief tonight! I am very tired again! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. I am tired tonight. Missing Denny all day. Trying to sort through so many photos. I just want some sleep right now. I pray you are all enjoying this wonderful weather, while the world is trying to get back on track. God is good. Everyday is a brand new start! I will start fresh in the morning! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I love the book of James! To bad we didn’t cling to it and obey it like we should have! Ohhhhh, the consequences we face from the destruction of our own hands! Guilt and shame can bury you deep! You start to believe the lies! And, you believe God is way to far for you to grab ahold of! Another lie. That can cause all kinds of chaos! Feelings of worthlessness, to far gone, you get the picture! All lies! Gods love for us, goes on, on and on, as far as the East is from the West! No end! He is just waiting for you to ask. How simple is that! He told us! We humans make a mess, we are to ashamed to lift our eyes to Jesus. He already, knows all, sees all. How does that get so messed up! But yet Denny and I both did it! When you are sinking fast, you better grab that lifeline, that God has openly extended to us! So, so grateful that our hearts and eyes were opened and our love was still there. Grateful, thankful, to our loving and forgiving God! I just want Jesus, first and foremost. I know He is real, I feel His touch, I hear His voice, I see His face. No other in your life will ever love you like Jesus. How easy and simple, He says, come to me. Do you think I could open my eyes everyday and smile at Denny’s picture and be eager to start my day joyfully. You cannot do that in your own strength. I still cry, I am a human. It hurts to be separated, but, only for a short time! Gods and my timetable are very different! I will keep going. My family fuels me to want them more. I think of them everyday, they are all I want and need! Since I live with Mom, she has the #1 spot. My family knows how much they mean to me, I know how much I mean to them. And in my finally mature life, I learned in recovery that we can tell each other how we feel or things can be pointed out without offense. Like adults! God is my rock, they run a close second! My kids are my go to’s after God! I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways! Because our God is good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. Back in 2013, I was a Christian, not the kind that should have been holding tight to Jesus though. I wanted Jesus, I also wanted to have my cake and eat it too! My oldest grandchild graduated that year, it was obvious to me, Denny was getting ill! My mom became very ill, a week in the hospital, we thought she was dying! She got out, Denny went in the next day! Little did we know, that stretched into 9 weeks! I believe he had Parkinson’s then! I was already gambling heavily. When he was well, we always went together! After the hospital stay, he no longer wanted to. You all know the rest of the story! Recovery, became bliss! As I moved through recovery, Denny was slowly, but steadily getting worse! I did not think of this before, we were both progressing towards something at the same time! The more I moved forward, the more I saw my need for Jesus. When you put your faith and trust back in Jesus, He reveals his promises for us to proclaim them. You all know my journey and Denny’s. His faith and mine being renewed everyday made us stronger. We knew we were facing something big. Bigger than both of us! I love Jesus! He loves me, I see it and feel it everyday! In this world where everything is wrong and getting worse, it’s time to put your faith and trust in Jesus! I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the news, I see alerts come across my phone. That’s enough for me. My head is not in the sand. I choose not to worry and live in fear. What good is that! I claim joy for my life and the life after! When it’s my time to meet Jesus, He and Denny will be waiting for me! This is a sick and dying world. It has always been this way. That’s why Jesus came to earth, why God became a man! To bear our sins on the cross! Jesus extends grace, mercy and forgiveness for each of us. Our souls are weary and heavy with the burdens of the world! For the life of me, why do people think that two wrongs make things right or straight! They do not. Leave things in Gods hands! He is the peacemaker! Each one of us will be judged the same. A murder is no different than a lying, blasphemy tongue! I understand liberal and I understand conservative! We are to be praying for each other. If know one is praying for you, you should still be praying for others! This is my life and what I am going through, I could not do it without God! When I write and share these things, it’s about my life and my choices! Life is so much sweeter when you have a very personal relationship with Jesus! We need to stay off of the hate wagon and look at the big picture, eternity! I hate to burst all of your bubbles, God loves President Donald Trump, the same way He loves you! Sin is sin and we will all be held accountable! I want to use all of my good, positive energy on praying for all of this, instead of slamming! These things are not to be handled by humans, humans are selfish and make a mess! The victory is already won! Why is everyone fighting and killing? That is not going to bring back one soul! Leave it in Gods hands where it belongs! If God can put my life back together, He can take care of every body. I love all of you! My prayer for all of you is eternal peace! Gods got this! I have no doubts! I have to much to do, I am not wasting energy on things I cannot change! Again, let go and let God! We are in His way! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I did not walk. We have known for some time we wanted to do the tattoo thing together! The virus made it even more challenging. With tattoos being so popular, it was not easy to get in one with all of the back ups they had! So, big thank you to Tyler at The Brass Monkey Co. for doing all 3 of us! Buttermilk Pancakes this morning, Denny’s favorite! After tattoos, we had so many B- day dinners at Inkeys we stopped for pizza! I thought I was going to be late for the hospice group, ha, I was a half hour early. It was good. I knew I would have a crying spell sooner or later today. I want healthy tears! Meeting done, here comes sister and brother in law! Always a laugh fest. I am very late with this tonight! She brought some pictures. Pictures and music can do me in quickly! God is the perfect glue holding me together. Thanks to new rules, we could not be in the building at the same time! We had bonding love going on in the parking lot. Right behind God, they are the next layer of glue, family. So it is with every generation! My family has passed down a wonderful line of love, being there for one another. We are all about family! I love every layer of them. Let’s not forget the layers of friends over the years that I know still pray for us! God has us covered. I can’t wait to start spending time with all of you! I do not want loneliness as a friend! Dear God, thank you for a perfect day, for Denny to be honored! We love you and miss you always and forever! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🎈🎈🎁🎈🎈🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Believe me, there is not enough room to write all of the things I would like to say. You being gone has left such a void in our lives! Tomorrow you would be 77 years old. We would be gathering all of the family for pizza. My mind knows all of the right things, but, my heart looks for you everywhere! You sit down with Jesus and have whatever you want. I am happy I don’t listen to everyone. When they say, it’s just another day! No it’s not. Now your gone and we have great birthday memories! Sharing some pictures of my handsome Denny! With birthdays past. We miss you like crazy. Nothing is the same or ever will be! Starting at midnight, you can start your special day. We down here, will just imagine how wonderful this birthday is! Good night. God bless.🎁❤️🤗🙏🏻🎈🎈🎂🎈🎈🙏🏻🤗❤️🎁🎼👼🏻👼🏻👼🏻👼🏻👼🏻🎼

Good evening. Monday blog. There are so many beautiful songs of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit! That title is one of my favorites! So easy to do, but look at all of the pain all around us! Does there have to be a tragedy for us to look up! The worse it gets, the tighter I cling to Jesus, the one who rescued me, and saved me! I have the comparison! Old life, new life, I renew that bond with Jesus everyday! Setting my phone alarm so I can pray throughout the day, about everything! Jesus is the light in this world! I don’t see one shining anywhere else! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. It is good to be reminded! Walking this morning with my daughter, I said something about missing him, never seeing him again. She said, you are going to see him again! Yes I am! I need to not say that negative! Only positive thinking! You can cry and maintain positivity! I know that’s true! I found a paper clipping today, titled, When I’m Gone, which I am not going to share! It must have been special for him to laminate! I did find an image with the same title! I cannot ever forget how God loves us! This sick world has gone so wrong! Two words to set your world straight, Jesus Christ! That’s it, nothing else! I love this song, Way Maker, Miracle Worker! Get on the path to God! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. This is a song by The Platters. We love that group. We saw them more than once! But, I am talking about my life everyday, while Denny was sick and now with him gone. Nonstop prayer! You know when words won’t come and everything feels all jumbled inside your brain, your heart, God knows, God sees, God hears! When tears won’t stop and they pour down like rain, God can read every tear. God knows how much pain I am in. His strength and love and grace, hold me together every day. There isn’t anyone else like that. God sees through the soul, God knows pain, hurt, grief, betrayal! Every sad, painful, grief stricken body, heart and soul, He knows what it all feels like. Because He took everything I am going through, and nailed it to the cross and it is no more. Victory is won. Denny and I will have eternal life together, just as God promised. Cast your cares on God, because He cares for you! That’s all plain English to me! I can fill this bedroom with tears and Gods arms are holding me, always. I’m not looking back. I am going forward, tears and all! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I was given a beautiful devotional today. 100 Days to brave from my daughter. She has a lot underlined and highlighted! As I was reading all about being brave in a lot of areas. I thought of Denny and the great strength he had during his fight against Parkinson’s and it’s dreadful complications! He fought long and hard, to keep his body mobile! The Big program at Bay Park was the best. A licensed therapist in the Big movements! He kept up as long as he could. He was signed on again with her, for last fall. But, pneumonia came, then the feeding tube. He did join the boxing group, Knockout Parkinson’s. The hospital stay kept him from going back. He did really well while he was there. He really did fight. He had therapies, in the rehabs. There was always a set back. We knew he was losing ground! We prayed and prayed for time to get him stronger. While watching him get weaker. Those were all tough decisions last fall. We all had to learn being brave, trying to stay positive and upbeat for him! Lots of pictures were taken last fall, and I see a brave face, braver than mine! I thought about God, the scriptures, the promises, all gave Denny and I strength together! Now us left behind, have to and want to, be brave for each other! Most days we pull it off, but, not without tears. That’s me anyway. Denny Reed, you taught all of us lessons in life, but never more than when you had to face losing who you were? Thank you for the road we had to hoe together! You brave soul! Thank you for sending a Cardinal, 4 times! I love you forever and always! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. I am pretty sure I have used this title before! Blessings do not stop! They are all around us every day, in many ways! I am sad, I do cry, every day. Sad is a feeling, and feelings come and go! I function all day, everyday. I have not taken a break from my life! I cling to God and all He says, He has for me and my life. I exercise, I sing, to me, lol, I work, sometimes, I cook, I bake, sadness and crying has not kept me from my life. I wake up, eager to start a new day. I plan ahead, I write a lot of notes! I am trying to remain patient with myself! What is going on with me, is not something that can be ignored or erased! If only it could be that easy. Know one can be prepared for losing a spouse! We knew it was coming, that’s why we remained at his bedside! Then there is the news, loss of young life in tragedies. Both painful! Dumped right in your lap! Leaving us feeling dumb founded! I have so many blessings! I do count them everyday! During this quarantine, I pray you all have looked for blessings, and finding you have blessings all around you! I walk later now so I can walk with my daughter! I can’t get enough of looking at the sky and how gloriously different it is, everyday! Night sky also! My biggest blessing has gone before me, I still have blessings! They don’t stop! I have a large family, anyone of them I can call! I am blessed! Denny’s Birthday is this week, I am having a hard time thinking about it! I will have a grief session online that evening! Thank you Lord! Enjoy my pictures tonight, these are my biggest blessings! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. Growing up in the country, in the 50’s and 60’s We saw a lot of wildlife! The deer came with the park! We use to see Blue Jays, Cardinals, Doves, and Robins never go away! We have been here over 2 years, seeing a Cardinal had become rare! We see quite a few on the cottage road! They are so beautiful! They do not stay long enough for a picture! My daughter got a shot, the other day. To the left of my bedroom window, a Cardinal appeared outside my window. I was surprised. I have never seen one on that side of the house. The next day another. Tonight I took Beagle out before bed and yes a Cardinal was there again! I don’t believe in reincarnation, but who hasn’t heard of the symbol of the little red bird and what his appearance means. Not to mention how beautiful they are, that red, Denny’s and my favorite color! That’s the part I like! I will be looking every day! Mornings are good! Walking even better, don’t know what triggered it! Crying came by a lot today! Seeing the Cardinal touched me, so I wanted to share! God is good! He touches our lives with such beauty, that can spark some meaning in some way! Smile for the little things and the meaning behind them! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. First, a little about yesterday. Not as big as Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas, but still, a first Memorial Day without Denny and, and it was another without kids and grandkids! I am not complaining, I understand, especially with my moms age and our grandchildren! I felt, that I always tried to make it special on Butler St. I miss that old house that held just about every memory you could have or think of! Mom and I take care of each other. So, I was not going to do any remembering with food, for yesterday! Holidays have always been a big deal with food! May was always time to open the pool! Denny made our water look like a sparkling lake! On the spur, I put together a small picnic for mom and I! My cousin across the field came over, as well as my sister and husband! We had all the fixings, just small scale. And we had laughter, better for you than food! Still walking every morning with my daughter! If you have noticed her cute picture everyday! After cleanup, my son pulled in the driveway, with my grandsons! Talked from a distance and blew kisses! My kids and holiday food! Blessings! Last evening I was so tired! Had my therapist this morning on FaceTime! Love that technology! Then my B-12 shot! Really trying to stay on top of all of my health needs! God is my helper, all the way! I started setting my phone alarm for afternoon prayer! Reminders are good! I have had a lot of stepping stones in my life! I’m sure at the time, I thought they were road blocks. Every little detail since Denny’s illness and passing, I could use as big stumbling blocks, or, each one a small stepping stone, one step at a time! I like the term baby steps also! I know what severe depression feels like! I don’t and won’t give myself that option! I don’t want to feel as if I can’t go on! Because it’s not true! I get up, I stay up. Sometimes a nap, but never lay in bed all morning! These things are not wrong, I just won’t give into it! A lot of memories have been popping up on FB! It’s hard to see Denny sitting at the table, that empty chair, then I remember, he loved pancakes and that’s what he was eating! Big stones, little stones! It’s all in how you approach it and handle it! I could have cried all day, but I chose to enjoy the holiday in spite of our circumstances! If I had been the only person here yesterday, I still would have made that food! The world did not stop spinning when Denny took his last breathe. It felt like it. Life will not stop either! The circle of life has great meaning! I hope you all had a meaningful day! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I am sorry. I cannot keep my eyes open! To be continued again! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! I have been going through pictures again! You cannot scrapbook with disorganized pictures! Since it’s May, a holiday weekend and almost summer! I put on my new suit, got my new lounge chair, a book and laid in the sun! I can’t even remember the last time I did that! I am quite pink on both sides! Loved it! It felt so good! Walked almost 6 miles this morning with my daughter, talked to my son on the phone! Watched my church online and then watched our granddaughters church online! Cooked spaghetti, I felt, this is almost a normal day, with normal things taking place! Tomorrow is Memorial Day, the start of summer! We always had a cookout with our whole family, all of our little kiddos, open pool, all the holiday food! A lot has happened in 2 years, especially this last one! Denny loved the kids over and holiday food! All the trimmings! Strawberry Pie, being his favorite! Tomorrow will be very different! It is still Memorial Day, no matter what! Still observed for all of the right and proper reasons, our freedom! I will try to stay on top of a positive attitude throughout the day! If it rains, I will read my book! Tomorrow, 17 weeks! Now that can be a double sad or double happy memories past! Maybe a little of both! Whatever your plans are tomorrow, do them safely! Above all, love each other always! God is good! God is in control! Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 Praise Him for all things, especially the beautiful summer day we had today! Have the Happiest Memorial Day and memories! Stay safe and count your blessings! Name them one by one! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good afternoon. Saturday blog. Let’s back up several years, January 14, 2006. My dad passed away, right after arriving at Hospice in Perrysburg! We were all going to tell him goodbye there. That did not happen. I cannot speak for my sister or our mom. I know I cried. How much, I don’t remember. I didn’t do any kind of grieving! Not like our children are doing with their dad! My Denny. I do know and remember that I sat down on the lazy boy chair and I tried to eat myself to death! I ate constantly, when we went out, I ordered the biggest and finished before Denny. My poor husband. I call eating like that, a slow suicide by food. Everyday more dissatisfied with myself. I gained 75 lbs. I was miserable, gastric bypass, I am at 114 lbs. lost. Still handling stress wrong. I really started to clean up my act. As Denny’s disease progressed, I learned anything that alters your life in any way, it needs to be grieved! So I was grieving Denny before God took him! But after he was gone, quickly there was change. Everything we took care of him with, disappeared! I had to make our bedroom look like a bedroom again. This was a new side of grief, that I still don’t have any words to describe. Quickly I made it my mission to learn as much as I can to cope with whatever break down came my way, all in the name of grief! So, here we are, Denny has been gone 4 months already! I know now that grief will never leave me. No choices, except to keep going forward! Now I have conversations with grief. I need to know and be watchful, it shows up whenever it wants. Like an uninvited guest. Grief has come to live with me, we will be friends at some point in time. Grief is so rude, so uncaring, no manners. I could be moving along well, in the car, home, Drs. Office, grief comes calling, uninvited! It’s going to be like a beast, ugly and brutal! In time though, I will start to share our life with grief, to make peace. Share all of my memories, maybe grief will be polite enough to ask how I am and give me permission to cry, as long as I do not stay there! Grief is not done torturing me yet! It goes to bed with me, gets up with me! We have to become friends, it’s the only thing to do, until grief and I can walk holding hands. I would love to pass grief by, but it said, you have to go through me! Then I can tell grief all of the wonderful things with a smile! And, through all of this God has not left me. His presence is stronger than ever, and God keeps every promise! Have a good night. God bless your holiday weekend!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. This is a first! My iPad would not hold a charge today, with any of my cords, it was dead! It is charging now with moms cord! Guess who is going to Verizon tomorrow? That’s the title for today and tomorrow. The phone for me is to small, compared to the iPad! I will finish this tomorrow. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️Couple of images!💖

Good evening. Thursday blog. This is a letter tonight. That I would like to share. I understand you are recently widowed! I am so very sorry. Thoughts and Prayers for you and your family. My deepest of sympathies. How are you, really? Negative feelings and actions you know are not the way to handle things. Especially the pain of losing a husband. One who was the beacon of light to his family. You do know self care is important right? You purposely have to put forth yourself for yourself! Family members hearts are really ripped away, I know that’s how yours must be feeling! Your not taking anything personally. I don’t think you have. Your children are hurting in a whole different way! You need to be looking to take all you can from various groups and apply to your life! Life does go on. It’s just a different form! You can’t go back to where you were before marriage! This new journey for yourself, is a whole new area of life. Crying is like an ebb and tide, back and forth. No timing, sometimes it knocks you down. Get up, dry yourself off, look in the mirror, be your own coach. You know what to say to yourself. You took care of the care giver, you, so take care of the widow, you! You know how to do it! You sat and invested time into rising above! You are a mature person now, be an example for others that don’t quite know what to do yet! I know the pandemic did not help! You like to say different days, well they have been different. Are you still journaling, blogging? Make sure you stay on top of all of those things! Writing has helped you put feelings on paper. You still have all of your crafts and hobbies. You have a lot of go to’s. That’s a good thing. It’s great that you still walk. I am happy to hear that you are taking care of you. You are important, your family wants you around! Just remember if you allow low moments, take care of it quickly! I think you are moving forward pretty good! You are heading in the right direction. Remember God and all He has done for you during one of the roughest times in your life! God is good all the time! You know that! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️To Marilyn,From Marilyn, Thank you!

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I had my first virtual bereavement group tonight. It was good. Always great to share with people that are going through the same thing. When I started recovery in 2015, the therapist shared his story. For the first time, I thought, if he could do it, I saw a glimmer of light! Being in groups, is a healthy choice. At least to get over some humps! It is so helpful to talk with like minds! The next virtual meeting just happens to be on Denny’s Birthday. Our first one without him! Then Fathers Day is right after! That will be a hard one. I have tears just thinking about it. I don’t have my dad and now my children don’t have theirs. Painful humps! If we can all be together, it will be to honor him! He was a strong presence at whatever we did. He didn’t say much, but I loved that smile! God blessed us in many ways over the years, from the time I met him, God blessed us. When we did not even know Him then! I have so many pictures! I am so thankful for those. Looking at his smiles, makes me smile! So, my advice tonight, take lots of pictures, make sure you name and date them! I learned that halfway through our life! Thanks to learning proper scrapbooking! God is good, keep on smiling, we will come out of all of this, better, stronger people. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. I did not come up with this title! These words came from God, through a man who suffered great loss! I love this title, because it’s true! I am not a theologian or a preacher! I am a not perfect person! A woman who knows the pain of many things! These beautiful, true words, if you have faith in Jesus, will also mean the same to you! When I was 28, with 2 children of my own and 2 stepdaughters, and of course Denny! Lived in our house, in Toledo about a year! We started going to church with neighbors! Mainstreet, in Walbridge and Pastor Graham! I did not know Jesus. I was only 26 years old when I heard this, hymn, for the first time! I just sobbed and did not know why! After I became a believer, I knew I wanted this song at my funeral! We chose it for Denny’s celebration! It’s a song of great faith! Then I learned the story of the song! Horatio G. Spafford, 1873, knew great loss. He had already lost a young son, he lost all of his material things in the great Chicago fire! His wife and 4 daughters were on a ship. The telegram he received from his wife, said, all is lost, what should I do? Who else do we know that suffered like that? Job! He was already grieving the loss of a child and his wife was disabled! 4 daughters buried at sea! He sat down and wrote these powerful words! My daughter bought me a shirt with the title on it! It doesn’t mean that your soul, heart and mind are not grieving! These words came from deep grief and faith! His wife was 1 of 46 that survived! 266 went down! This song came from knowing pain in a deep and personal way! I do know how it is to watch my love, Denny struggle and suffer for 7 years! My belief in God, and my faith have grown stronger every day! My mind knows it, my heart will catch up! Horatio was a successful lawyer! His job did not save him from loss! We walk around complaining about nails and hair! I know where I am going, when my time is done. I have that blessed assurance. Not because I earned it, because I am a sinner, saved by grace! Amazing Grace, my other favorite song! Nothing on this earth can save you, none can be taken with you! Your worldly goods are not going to fit in your casket! It’s the way I want for the rest of my life! Be patient Denny, Angel Wings, I’ll be there at some point. Death is not fearful, when you know the one, Jesus, who took it all on the cross! I love you all and I miss you all! Here are some images about that song! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Well here we are, at another Monday. I have not had one day without tears! Sometimes, in the early morning. I usually have a good cry before I write. I always wonder, how much liquid would that be! I am trying really hard to keep up with all of my things to stay busy! Sometimes my mind just stops, and I cry like it was just yesterday. Most of the time, it feels like grief and overwhelming sorrow going through my veins. This could not have been explained to me. For one, no two people are alike. When God took him, it felt like someone robbed me of my life and my breath! I only remember our daughter saying breathe! Even now, 4 months, when a sob hits me, it takes my breath away! It isn’t normal crying! I do like my busy days, when my mind is occupied. Before reality comes back. Having all social life disappear did not help. I don’t want to sound like a whiner! We are all in the same boat! In it together! Wednesday evening I am joining a virtual bereavement group, through hospice, for spouses! I just do not want to get stuck. As I always say, if not for God, I would be a mess! That is my bright spot! God does reveal Himself to me every morning! My walk with God is so much stronger. As fast as crying starts, it stops just as fast, God says carry on! That’s it, “GOD” He is the answer to everything! I have not forgotten that. After all He did say, I will wipe every tear from their eyes! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. I am a very fortunate and blessed woman! God is so good to me! I just did not always know it, I did not always believe it. I mean if you did not have the time to chat with God before, you have time now. Right? I whisper to Him all day! There are certain things I will not ask, like my pain, my grief! What if I asked Him, and what if He did it? What would I learn? Every single thing in life that touches our lives, is an important lesson! There is a lesson to be learned from everything in our life! If you want to learn! We can turn a blind eye or a deaf ear! We can let our heart become bitter! I have been in all of these places, feelings, fear! Nothing in this life will satisfy! I don’t care how long you look, how long you deny! Accept what cannot be changed! I am concerned about changing me! We each have our own inward suffering that we don’t want anyone to see! Inside you, you feel it! Like a festering wound! I have had a lot of ills in my life to work on. You have to, you have to rise above it. You have to accept yourself, love yourself. To not do these things is an insult to God! You were made in His image! Don’t insult Him! I always teased Denny when he would say something negative about himself! I’d say, you have that stinking thinking going on again. God does not make junk! You are insulting Him! He would smile and say ok! It made us chuckle, it’s also the truth of God! I myself chose many wrong things. Consequences from it all. It did not matter if it was by my own hand or someone else’s! Two ways to handle things! I choose love and forgiveness! Love is many things, in many ways, with many different people! Like a chain reaction, a good one! Love and kindness brings calm! The peace that only comes from the love of Jesus! I don’t want it any other way! Jesus loves me! God is good, all the time! No question marks! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. This is the one thing that I want and will keep doing, no matter what! Denny and I did not face and go through this fire with our family, for me to slip in a crack! Not going to happen! The past two days, even though I got a lot of sewing done, I feel I have wasted time! Not with sewing, but the rest of day! The hours just slipped away! I really don’t like that! I was on a tight schedule with Denny! I guess I don’t like my new normal! Move past it Marilyn! How do you become an advocate for anything, when you can’t go anywhere? How do you speak with a mask on your face? I guess I will keep putting everything down on paper and keep sharing! Denny and I talked a lot about our adversities! I promised him always that I would not go backwards! That would make everything a lie! Since Denny passed over 3 months ago, my eating habits have not been good, structured or healthy! How long can I walk and stay strong without proper diet! How can I talk about proper diet, when I don’t have one! I went to the store, tomorrow starts the green smoothie with a lot of fruit mixed in! My cousin swears by green smoothies, I have a book from him! You know you will get a picture! Our daughter is going to hook me up with a Herbalife package, great vitamins! Can’t wait! I do not like having low energy! Then there is still some grief going on! I just want to be in balance in all areas! It just makes sense. Call upon the Lord, I can do all things in Christ! That means everything, in every area! That’s why HE came, to give us life, life more abundantly! If some of my new people don’t know, Parkinson’s and all of its complications took Denny from us in January! It is a wicked disease! He fought hard, but in the end! We miss him so much! Sharing some before PD and after PD! So handsome to me in all of his picture! His smile was worth a million! He left us with joyful memories and some not so! Joyful always wins! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. As I promised myself, I sewed masks all morning and afternoon. Also, as promised, I went to the church for the blood drive. They were busy, I was a walk in, I was nervous. I have never liked needles. I was was one of the screamers as a child! You got to grow up, right? Finally my turn! I don’t consider 12 to be low, blood out of two fingers! Sorry, what? I can’t give blood? No. They already gave me my free pizza certificate! I did not give it back. Thank you Red Cross and Dominoes for supper that I had in the car, waiting for my nail appointment. Needless to say, I’m tired. No walk for two days, thank you rain! Tomorrow is suppose to be nice! With time to kill before the nails, I listened to some music and thought of Denny an I. Springtime always brings good, romantic thoughts of us. We became engaged on May 17th 1975! There was nothing traditional about our relationship! We were not Christians, it did not take long and we were living together. Shocking, I know! The apartment was tiny, he walked in the kitchen and said something about marriage. I turned, I was shocked. I said, you want to marry me, like that’s unheard of. He smiled and said yes! Off to Keidan’s Jewelry. I was on cloud nine. Our engagement was a little rocky, thats ok, he was worth the wait! 45 years ago! I miss him so much! I can’t even see straight when I say it. We finally set a date, January 26th 1977. A big snowstorm shut down the whole city and three weddings, it was in The Blade, a feature story! One week later, February 4th 1977! We both had to work on Monday. Weekend honeymoon to Ann Arbor, Mi. It was wonderful. Mountains of snow everywhere! We went shopping at that big mall, don’t remember the name. He bought me anything I wanted and we went to see A Star Is Born, my favorite movie! I love Barbara Streisand! Evergreen, one of my favorite love songs! Denny was so good to me! I wish I could say it was bliss everyday, but, know one can say that! I love our Love Story! More than one has said, you should write a book! I would need a very good proof reader! I wanted to share some Denny and I! God could have given us forever, it would not have been enough! Gods plans, God knew, long before us, how it would all play out! I am so grateful! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. I started out productive this morning. I was pretty sure rain would keep us from walking. I got ready for the day. I cut out 28 masks, I mended some pants for family. I saw our Pastor online the other day, talking about a blood drive. My veins are not the greatest. Denny was a faithful donor, until he got sick. Our daughter never gave blood before and she did it for her dad. I said I want to also. So, after sewing I looked online, all I saw was the word today and the time. Off I went to the church. I can see the church from 795, no cars in the parking lot. I pull off of the road to look at my phone. It did say today with May 15 right after it. I’m like, for Pete sake Marilyn, get it together!!! I stop to Miejer, for Kleenex, I remember I need coffee. I get home, I don’t remember buying coffee the other day. Now I have two. I brought home supper KFC. I sit down with mom to eat, she says where’s my fork? I’m laughing just thinking about it, because we could not stop laughing! So, I need to have Faith that this brain impairment won’t last. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Tomorrow is the blood drive, I will be there! In honor of Denny and all he did at the Red Cross. I have a note. Lol! The treat I have been waiting for, I get my nails done tomorrow evening! Masks in the morning! The blood drive is in Moline- Walbridge at MainStreet Church, 1:00pm-7:00pm come on out with your mask! God please keep giving me humor! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! I am 67, I have seen and been with family and friends who have lost spouses! Never once did I hear of this affliction! It started quickly after the funeral. When your loved one passes, I feel I went on auto-pilot. So much to do and take care of. It’s the last thing that you can do for your loved one. I wanted it perfect, like a wedding. Sometimes weddings don’t make the marriage last, but a funeral is the final goodbye to the earthly body of the one we loved so much! I believe he was given proper honor! I thought it was beautiful! When it was over, I started feeling lack of concentration! I also thought if I threw myself back into everything that I thought normal to get me and keep me busy and on track! Just a couple days later, I put a crunch in the back of the car. Not thinking, not looking! I have lived in this area my whole life. I have gotten lost, wrong exits, wrong turns, wrong streets, wrong appointments! Even with a GPS! I use to pride myself on knowing how to get everywhere! In the morning when I walk, it’s the only time my mind is clear. Except if I am talking to my daughter! I start to speak and it’s gone! Since Denny passed, I wake up with a headache and neck ache everyday! I never had headaches, not since I was young! A widow shared with me today, it could last as long as 2 years! Yikes! I write notes, I forget to write notes and then, I can’t find the notes! I am an organized person! This is very frustrating! I don’t mean to sound like I can’t get anything done, I do! Maybe just a little more challenging! I am not giving up! I am a person, with a life, who does many enjoyable things. Positive things and hobbies! God remains at the top of my list! I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me! Philippians 4:13, one of my favorite promises! So, if any of you have a question, ask me! If not and you think I have to much on my mind, you’re right, I do! My mind is full of my loss, it never leaves. I suspect, it never will. Why would it, part of me is missing! Time does not change a thing, Denny is gone and always will be! I need to be a healthy griever! Keep moving forward! God is good! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! How is everyone doing? Everyone is so concerned about taking temperatures! How about emotional temps? Is there a meter for checking that! Today is the first I have been in a Drs. Office! I have to be straight, I felt like I walked into a sci-fi movie! I actually felt creepy! My biggest highlight when I leave the house, is knowing I am driving through McDonalds for the biggest coke! It lasts all day! Each day I have tried to think about when and if something changes! When you lose a loved one, especially a spouse, all I could think of was hugs! I went back to church that same weekend! Hugs are so comforting. I wanted to give hugs as well as receive! That was taken away. No holiday parties, no family hugs! It’s heartbreaking! I can hardly believe what I hear and see! I understand it all. I am not feeling sorry for myself! One positive miss for me can take me down a slippery slope! Where I do not want to go! So, people are socially distant for all kinds of reasons! For me, I have to check myself often! Cannot cling to or put any worldly things before God! Our 50th class reunion was cancelled yesterday! I do understand! But it was a bright spot to look forward to! So, do not look to things, people, family, events or even yourself! None of these things satisfy! Only the Lord Himself! People, carrying on about things that just do not matter! The coffin is not big enough to take it all with you! If this pandemic doesn’t make you stop and think! You might have a rough ride! Remember, you are the only one that can change you! With Gods help of course! I got into recovery to save family relationships, wrong reason! I stayed in recovery for me! I am sharing something that Erma Bombeck wrote before she passed away at 69! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! Do you have an intense moment, from the past, you wish you could feel it one more time, but, time got away! Do you cherish it? Does your mind try to get you back to that memory! Close your eyes and be in that moment, with your heart! You can feel those moments with your heart, not your mind! 45 years, that’s a lot of memory! It is already 15 weeks since Denny went to heaven! My heart feels that deeply! Of course it is much worse on Mondays! Will every Monday be like this the rest of my life? I still just cry at any given moment! The crying is becoming less! I have been smiling in between, thinking of Denny memories! I was opening a card yesterday, I really did not realize that the card said wife! I still have brain fog! By the way, that is a real thing! So I looked down, it was signed Angel Wings! I had already fallen apart! So Denny’s elf is still at work! Over the course of 38 years, Denny bought me gifts for everything! That’s a lot of gifts! Then his elf took over! So, when I close my eyes and think back, I feel with my heart! Time will not heal me! Maybe the pain will be a little less! We’ll see! God is good! He has held me up, He is not going to let go of me! I will say it again, stop fooling around with time! It’s gone before you know it! Don’t use harsh words! You can’t take them back! I am talking about my life! I hate that word, regret! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! This is short but, meaningful! Denny, my Angel Wings has been on my mind all day and still! If he knew how much I missed him, he would say, why! He was logical! Tomorrow will still be a first! He always gave me a card and gift, on Mother’s Day! Beagle and I went for a drive today and lunch! My mind always goes to how much time we had left, while in this bedroom everyday! When he could no longer get out of bed! When I think of it now, I think how brave and the courage he displayed! What an example for all of us who witnessed it! Such a brave face! I believe came from the confidence of knowing Jesus! I just miss him! Please learn from my images! Good night ! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! May is Mental Health Awareness Month! The green ribbon! Let me say up front, I am not a medical person, I am not an expert! I am Bipolar I, rapid swings between depression and mania! Bipolar or Manic- Depressive Disorder! I take my meds faithfully! I have a mental illness and so did Denny! He also was Bipolar I! He also took his meds! Before diagnosis, I had never heard those words! We both retired because of it! All of Denny is at rest now! It was not his favorite thing to talk about! Only to the Dr. He had the stigma! I do not! How is anyone going to learn anything if people don’t open up! It does not bother me one bit saying it! Nobody looks away when you say you have heart disease, a sick heart! Nobody looks away when you say diabetics, a sick pancreas! You know the picture! When I was growing up, the words were, nervous breakdown! Or, it’s the blues, it will go away, snap out of it, really? Because when the brain is sick, it also needs medication to get well! Dopamine and serotonin depletion, very serious! It should be taken seriously! My mom would not be here if she did not take care of her heart and take her meds! Diabetics need insulin! Lung disease, need I go on! I think and believe mental illness is so serious, I call it terminal! The sick brain just gets sicker without medication! I was suicidal, I did not want to die, I did want the mental anguish to stop! Hospitalized 3 times for help! I praise God and my wonderful family for their love and support! Excuse my French, I took them to hell and back! When I say I am thankful and grateful, it’s beyond measure! There is life after depression and mania! There are 6 Zeph Centers in Toledo, if you are struggling in any areas, I urge you or a family member to help you! Do not be ashamed! You did not make yourself sick! Nor, did you do anything wrong! Know the facts, read about it! I have been going to the Zeph Center on Central for 20 years and I could care less what anyone thinks about it! I am taking care of my brain, because my family is worth it! Denny went there 7 years! Nonprofit! I have never paid a dime or received any bills! The Drs. and nurses are wonderful! It is also the Zeph Center downtown I go to for addiction therapy! Love my Counselor! I have been taking care of me with phone, FaceTime and Zoom appts! That’s why going through this grief process is so important to me! I do not want anything tipping my scale the wrong way! I really cannot stress this enough! Especially with everything and everyone being so isolated! So, with all of that, please take care of your brains! In case you did not know it, it’s a very important part of you! Love and prayers to all of you! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursdays blog! Titled tonight,my class is on Zoom tonight, changed to 8:00pm! Just letting you all know! I won’t be writing after class! Some images to share! We will chat tomorrow! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! I pray that all of you are hanging on! I feel the day was productive! I slept all night! That has been a rare thing since Denny’s passing! When I got up, my mind felt clear! I baked a B-day cake, nephew turned 40, we went to a birthday parade! It was fun! Family at a distance! Hard, when you want to hug and be hugged! Baked another cobbler! Out for the walk! I knew the day, the date! Such a brain fog since Denny’s passing! I didn’t know that these things are very real! Some times when I’m walking and the sky is so beautiful, I think of God, I think of Denny! Little seeds of doubt start to creep in! I do not have time for that! Then I hear it, God clearly has said, I am enough! I believe Him! What would I be doing during this lonely time, if I did not know God and His promises! I see and feel, it would be nothing good! My husband is gone! For the time being, my family lives close, but, we are apart! I do understand! I don’t have to like it! I hear it again, I, God, am enough! These things that are so hard for our human minds! There is a great phrase, let go and let God! We don’t know what we are doing! Have you seen the painting in the sky everyday? Everything we see, God himself planned and put it there! Everything God has given us, is on loan! He put it there, it is His! That especially means humans! Denny was not mine, not the way God sees it! So, in all of the pain I still feel and have, God clearly says again, I am enough! When I am crying so hard, I can’t see straight, He is enough! When the tears instantly stop, He is enough! I have never seen things in life as clearly, as I see this! The pain and grief is not going away, it is less! God is enough! We certainly have the time to ponder all of this! If you have never read Gods word, I encourage you to take a little time! We have nothing but time! God is good! He is also patient and kind! God is enough! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! As promised, continued from last night! Oh my dearest Denny, how I miss you so! I am still not used to missing you, when Jesus said, it’s time to go! Saying goodbye was not easy, when the tears started to flow! I knew in my heart, how hard it would be, just to let you go! My eyes cannot see, my ears cannot hear, I am telling you sweetheart, I will not live in fear! God said, He would take care of me, when it’s my time to leave here! I know when you crossed over, you found that perfect peace, you filled our lives with memories, oh how I wish, I could have one more please? Grief, I will not let it rob me of all my memories, it’s your face I love to see! That’s the way I will stay, till God says come with me!❤️❤️I soooo pray for all of you, while you are at home with your families, that you are having quality time! Doing things that will flood your mind later on in life! Denny and I never thought about what we might face! God is good! His timing is everything! Goodnight! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! I wrote a poem for Denny! I am to tired to type it! Please, forgive me! I really do not like it when I feel so tired! That’s when mistakes happen! I said last night, 13 weeks today! I am wrong, it’s 14 weeks today! I will share tomorrow! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! Today I started to feel a little down! When Beagle and I went for a walk and came back, I asked my granddaughter, may I post a couple of my great grandsons pictures! After my post with my great grandson, crying started! My granddaughter FaceTime me! An emergency haircut was needed to fix a wrong cut! So, I believe God answered my prayer that fast! She does not live that far from me! 60 in a 35! I got to see, granddaughter, grand son in law, two grandsons, and their mom, my daughter-in-law! But, my great grandson, no words, he is perfect! What a doll baby! I was praising the Lord, all the while going over the speed limit! God forgive me! Do not underestimate God and what He can do, when you cry out! I cried all the way there! It did my heart good! I even got hugs! Tonight, I’m going to sleep with a big smile on my face! Family is everything, and I know that we all know it, especially through this crisis! A couple of pictures from the this evening! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! We have all heard these words before! They are in scripture! Double meaning! I made the decision to walk in 2015! I also told myself, you are not failing this! If there are setbacks you will pick up where you left off! I have never been disciplined in anything! My first year of walking, I did not miss one day, even in weather! It was a personal goal! I had my first joint replacement in 2011, right knee! One year later, 2012, I had my right hip! 2016, I had only been walking one year, and I needed a left hip! I healed well and quickly! I was back walking in no time! That winter after my hip, Denny had a lengthy stay at Kingston! An ice storm gave me a fall in the alley! Some trauma, it healed! My point is, I do not give up anymore! Denny was proud of my new decisions for myself! He was proud of my recovery! Through all of that together, almost daily he said thank you for everything! I miss him so much! The hospital stays were getting closer together, and rehab homes! I squeezed in walking whenever I could! I am running this life race as best I can! I am waiting patiently for the Lord to clear the way for family! While I wait, I am running my race, for my life! God is good! He has been with me through this long journey!Fight the good fight! Thank you Jesus for my life! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! I am just plain tired and missing my family! I want to go to sleep and start a brand new day with a walk! Did not get one! I can tell! I know I am not telling any of you how this feels ! We are all in this together! God in front! Enjoy my images, I am going to sleep! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! Short and sweet tonight! Grief Share on Zoom tonight! Our lesson was on Heaven! I loved every word! I had some questions in my mind as I read! The lesson answered them and I found great comfort from the word of God about different things! Today, I did not cry! No guilt either! I kept busy all day! I saw my great grandson through a window today and he laughed and smiled for me! We took our walk at 3:00pm! Rain delay! Have to be up early! Riding to Napoleon with my daughter! I heard someone say, there is a reason it is called the rear view mirror! You cannot see where you are going, if you keep looking backwards! That sentence says a lot! With that being said, Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! That is what I am! You all warm my heart with your love and prayers! God willing, I will see lots of classmates in September! It will be our 50th, spread out over the weekend! I cannot wait! Denny’s 50th, in 2011, was also a weekend event! His dated handprint is in one of the hallways at Whitmer High for proof! He was thankful that we got to go! It was fun! God willing we will be back in church soon! Will any of us be able to hug again? I don’t dwell on these things, but I ask God, I present these questions to myself! Things to ponder! I do have a grateful heart! I do love that song! I don’t have enough words, internet or paper to express my feelings over the past seven years! Thankful for our children, with their father every chance they got! Helping me! I truly am blessed! I was not thankful for my home growing up! I left at 17! Now at 67, I am back and live with mom! I appreciate it now! My dad and my husband are both gone! It was a big undertaking for mom to give up a lot of space for us! We are all thankful! The kids don’t have to worry about me being in the city! My mom doesn’t have to worry the way moms do! The park across the street, is truly a gift for me to enjoy! The virus gave me a walking buddy- daughter! I grab my phone as soon as I wake up, to see who read my blog! Warms my heart, makes me smile and I pray I say something worth reading! I do love all of you! We are connected in many ways throughout my 67 years! I am connected to generations of cousins across the USA! Seeing pictures of cousins and all of the new babies, that just keep coming! This virus really squashed my family time, I have FaceTime and Zoom! So, I can see all of the faces I love! It’s tough seeing my first great grand baby growing by camera, but thankful for technology, to see and hear his precious little voice! I am really thankful for my relationship with God! The stress of caregiving and my love for Denny, drew me closer! To lean on God heavily! I have lost precious time with my family, like all of you! I do not question God! He has held me in His hands for 67 years! He has seen me and been with me through a mountain of pain and the circumstances that go with it! God is my rock, He alone has His reasons for this season in my life! With Him, I can be patient! Don’t let anger and bitterness rob you! Time does not go in reverse! Give thanks with a grateful heart! 1 Thessalonians 5:18 Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! I wrote this poem last year! I have always been a dreamer! Sometimes, not strong enough to make things happen! I have a bucket list! Thanks to virus and quarantine, not my friends, I have not been able to do any! It won’t last forever! So, a lot of things take place in my mind! “A Fantasy”I just let my mind go, I’m always with you, let’s start my fantasy, let’s see it through! Take my hand, step into the fantasy world, let’s go way back, when I was a girl! So young, so innocent, when you came my way, in my mind, I wanted you to stay! Put a blanket on the grass, lay down with me, let’s pick out clouds, and see what they might be! I love the clouds, when they move around, in fantasy sky, they can always be found! Quick, it’s starting to rain, grab this moment, it won’t come again! Tip your head, let the rain touch your face, open your mouth, the rain you can taste! As puddles form, step right in, stomp your feet, again and again! Thinking and acting like children, oh what fun! Come back to the present, my fantasy is done! Something a little bit lighter tonight! No tears, at the moment! God is good! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! How many young ones out there know this is a song! By:Morris Albert, from the 70’s! Denny and I both being bipolar and not knowing, can make a relationship a little complicated! A couple of breakups was enough to send me over the edge! I have always been one to torture myself with music! Today, in my life, I know better! Yet I still do it! Waiting for our make up after the break up, I tortured myself with Feelings, the song, among others! Obviously he came back! We were together 45 years, married 42 years! Yes, I have that song on my phone! What I am saying, feelings are a very big and real thing! There are so many of them! They are all God given! The problem is sometimes we get stuck in the mud! I am praying a lot, that I do not get stuck! One feeling lingering to long, can be a destroyer! For your heart and mind! Denny and I went through a lot of mud! Praise God! He is the cleaner! Thoughts and feelings can rip you wide open to all kinds of problems! Guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness, happiness, grief! In my grief right now, I feel as if I have been ripped open! Not so, but, it still hurts! If I missed any, you know what I am saying! Even Jesus experienced anger in the marketplace! It did not define Him! Nor should any of these for us! Especially if you act on them! There are places to go and people to talk to, to stay moving in the right direction! God as the leader! Nothing wrong with crying and grieving! I just don’t want to become stuck there! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️Read the song!