Marilyn’s Heart

Good evening! Sunday blog! Did not get to walk this morning, rain! Did go to parking lot church! It’s church, it’s not my church! I miss seeing everyone! Just when I got back there, to all 3 churches that I love! My home church, I have been there 41 years! Many, many long friendships and memories! Second church, contemporary Christian, time with my daughter! Third church, old fashioned Baptist, granddaughters wedding! They wrapped us in love! All three, filled with the love of God! I am blessed! Can’t wait till I walk through all of those doors again! With a lot of time on my hands everyday, I read a lot! I know for a fact, I do not want to be bitter about anything! Especially grief! That is the natural order of things! Death is certain for all of us! I want the love of Jesus to cover me! I will continue to grow, I pray, in the way that God wants! God willing, I will come out the other side better! Because I choose it! Everything you choose, can go one way or the other! God is the reason I am even breathing! He gets all of the glory for drawing me back to where I wanted and needed to be, and stay! Thank you Lord! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! I know I have used this title before! It’s the truth, Jesus was in so much pain, hearing of His friend! That’s how I am tonight! My physical body feels like I am going to pass out and die! I cannot even describe it to myself! I look horrible from crying! My Beagle even looks sad! And that’s how she looks all the time! I feel like an earthquake hit me, and I am crumbling to the ground! My head hurts everyday! I never have headaches! As horrible as I feel this very moment, I will go to sleep! As surly as the sun rises, so will I! I will just keep on calling on God, I’ll put my shoes on and head for the park and I am going again to the parking lot church! I cannot act and live on feelings, but, I cannot ignore the pain I am in! I will not allow my life to stop either! Maybe God is giving me this healing time, so I can give my all to my family! I am drained and exhausted! Until you are there, no one has any idea what I am talking about! Grief is real, my God is real also! In His time! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! From the time Denny was diagnosed, I knew we were pressing towards an unknown that would take him from us! We never can pinpoint anything like that! I could have gone first! We live by Gods timetable! When He is ready for you, it’s just finished! Now that it’s over, I am just thankful for every second God allowed me and gave me to care for him! We were given precious time with him, right until the end! Our children are so gracious, they would leave the room so I could have time! At that point, Denny could not communicate! We believe he heard every word! When you know the last breath is coming, you can’t say enough, touch enough, kiss enough! All of the petty nonsense, who’s right or wrong! Nothing matters, except I was given time to say I love you over and over! God truly blessed me with a wonderful man, and that wonderful man gave me a wonderful family! For whatever reason, God wants us to be apart for awhile! My faith is certainly growing through this! So, in the end of life, wrinkles and gray hair, crowns of glory we gave to each other! Grab a hold of what is really important, now is the time! God is good and in control, always! I do not doubt it for one moment! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! We had Grief Share tonight on Zoom! I will say it again! Technology is wonderful, when applied and used for the right things and reasons! I am so much more into my workbook than when I started! I cried a lot, answering the questions! Such good conversation with the group! Each one adding something good to cling to! I think we all learn something from everyone! For me it’s God! I have tasted enough of life on my own! Saying I created a mess, is an understatement! Taste and see that the Lord is good! So many wonderful scriptures! My soul is blessed! Today I went to the Clay High parking lot, to see Mr. Neals procession! It is so sad when a life is over! It sounds like his was well lived! I am so grateful that there is help, Doctors, therapists, counselors and therapies for people who can’t seem to get past some issues! I’m grateful for all of the help I was given and still getting! We are in such a mixed up time right now! A lot of people’s emotions are all over the map! Reach out! All help is just a phone call away! My love goes out to all of you! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! The past two days have been different! On Monday morning, moms TV would not stay on! She called cable! That makes sense! Her TV was dead! So, she trusts me to go get her a new TV! 1st mistake! TV shelves are bare also! I come home with a 43” Roku! I thought that was an app! No laughing please! My sister came over, it’s all set up, cable guy promised twice to come back and help! He lied! I can clearly see she does not like the set up! 2nd mistake, Mom, let’s put it back in the box, take it back and I will look around on the phone for the right kind! OK! 3rd mistake, she said it’s fine! Start today, no cable, WiFi, or internet! My sister comes back! Mom says, I don’t like that TV! I’m actually laughing now!!! Sooooo, package up the TV! I finally landed what we wanted in the 1st place! I just got home at 8:00pm! I am so happy that I am a coper! Is that a word? Cable and everything, up and running! I think everyone is happy! Praise God! He is still good! So, when we run into these kinds of roadblocks, maintain your cool! Mom and I were laughing after the facts! Sometimes, more times than not, you have to be your own cheerleader! Whatever works! I don’t have time for stress! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! Don’t know if I would use the word happy! But, I do hope and pray for all of you, that we use this time for positive change in our lives! We certainly have time to think of some constructive and positive new behaviors and ideas! If I had not finally gotten the help I needed over the years, had I remained the way I was, losing my husband and then being locked up, so to speak, I would lose my mind and be suicidal! I do not say these words lightly! I do phone appts. with my Psychiatrist, make sure I keep up on all meds, do not run out! I do Zoom with my Recovery Therapist and next, I will be counseling with a Grief Therapist! I will do whatever it takes to stay positive and maintain positive, healthy choices! Mentally, physically, spiritually! I have a list on the wall right by my desk-card table! It tells me exactly what to do from the time I get up! Then I weave in other things, like today! I am my own hairdresser, have been since the 8th grade! Today, I spruced up my hair color! I have been working on change since 2010! Gastric Bypass! Addiction Recovery, therapy, cleaning out my past, keeping bipolar under control! Exercise, no matter what, I have not stopped walking, might have had some breaks with Denny’s illness, but it did not stop me! I think it is important that homes and families maintain a schedule as it was! We all need structure! I stick to my schedule, I wear make up for me, colored my hair today, for me! Please each one of you, take care of yourselves to stay normal and sane through this time! We are all given the same 24 hours! Let’s make the best of it! I start my day with God! I can choose to be up or down! I have every reason to be down, Denny is gone! I miss him! I still need to do right by my health! I have a lot of family and friends I want to be back with! I will not go backwards! I am not getting any younger! I want quality time with my family! If you were a church goer or not, most churches now have live stream! It’s a healthy choice, during these trying and anxious times! God is still good! He will meet you right where you are at in this uncertain time! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! I have been busy today! 12 weeks that Denny is in Heaven! Daughter and I shed some tears before our walk! Wish my son was walking with us! I just miss, miss, miss, everyone, and, everything! God is my rock and my salvation! In Him I will trust! I miss Denny! I love Denny! I am grieving! My future is in Gods hands! There is no other way! If this has not driven you to your knees, I do not know what will! God is on my mind always! His ways are bigger than ours! At the park, I feel I am right in His hands! None of us knows where this is going to end! Trust and obey! That’s what I like to say! God is good! Open your heart and hear what He has to say! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! I had a great day! Very crisp this morning, on our walk! But, a beautiful shining sun, on the water! I made three masks today for my cousin! I had a Zoom scheduled with the family, I was excited about that! Although a couple of them did not! It’s ok! We all have FaceTime! The biggest deal was, emerging from this bedroom more than once! I sat down in the kitchen and had lunch and supper with mom! I think today might have been the most that I have come out since Denny’s passing! Sooooo, there is hope! I read the 23rd Psalm this morning! It is my favorite, I draw comfort from it! I read it to Denny often! When he could not respond anymore, I whispered it in his ear! I was eleven the first time I heard it, at my grandmas funeral! I remember how hard I cried hearing it! Denny’s Bible was open to that passage at the funeral home, and of course read by our Pastor at the funeral! The Lord has been speaking a lot to me today! One of our young, good friend from church, who just happened to sing at the funeral, posted today, It’s OK, not to be OK! I have not seen or heard it in quite awhile! I felt it came at a right time this morning! So, I am feeling that every different stage of my grieving process, that little phrase will be a good reminder! I do not want Denny behind me! I want him in my heart everyday, in a healthy manner! I am sharing the Psalm tonight, let the words comfort your soul! I found a good read on grief and the little saying, It’s OK! It is! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! My walk this morning before the snow was wonderful! Usually the birds, all of them are making all kinds of noise! I think you could have heard a pin drop! I have been here 2 years, I don’t know that I have ever heard that kind of quiet at a park! The sky was so heavy! Solid white! But, it was a white on white pattern! Made me think of angels! Angels make me think of Denny and his nickname Angel Wings!👼🏻 “I know he is an angel, in heaven above! Without a doubt I still feel his love!” Today was one of those different days! I tortured myself a little today! I talked to my daughter, she quickly got me off of that stinking thinking! I use to say that to Denny all the time! Stinking thinking gets you nowhere! I spent the rest of the afternoon reading healthy things! So easy to become stuck! I know better! Thinking of Denny in heaven is comforting! With the angels! I would never want to see him suffer like that again! He is at home with the Lord! I have some angel and heaven images to share, that I find comforting! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! Homes are really on overload right now! All computers, iPads, tablets, iPhones! Everyone in the house is on some type of device! It was hard for Zoom tonight to stay connected! It was our Grief Share! We did get in a little conversation! The leader is sending me downloads of the grief videos! That will be helpful! I came upon this article last evening! I believe it says a lot! Devices, as much as I value mine, especially during this time, should never take the place of interaction with your loved ones! Joking, playing games, really watching a movie together, laughing, conversation! All of the things that Denny and I had! Before smartphones! Have a blessed night! God is good! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! Shall we? I am just a person, a bipolar person! I think I am pretty vocal about staying mentally healthy! But today something poked me, right between my eyes! Our Grief Share leader has set our meetings for us on Zoom! It’s great! He asked me last week, did you do your lesson? I said, I will be honest, no! It has been eating at me all week! Today I sat down with my book! I did the lesson for tomorrow! Overwhelming guilt washed over me, I had not done any of the lessons! So I started reading it from the front, and I could not finish! I was crying so hard, I think I am stuck in the grieving process! That can’t be good! So, I think I am in a denial of some sort! I am all about being and staying healthy! But, not putting in the work! So, again I have this wonderful workbook, a caring leader who wants us to come out on the other side! I bought 2 Grief books that come very highly recommended, I have not opened them, I have a stack of books from the library, that I have not opened! Tonight I feel like a fake! I want to be helpful and see others rise above and I am not doing it myself! I was back in life right away, then this crisis came and it all stopped! My walking is the only good, healthy thing I am doing! My goal for tomorrow, right after walking, do my workbook, and start my separate Grief Journal! I see me being in Grief Share a couple of year! So, I would ask for some more prayer along this journey! I want to tell our story, my story, on how to change and move forward! God has brought me so far, this is the start to my healing and that will be painful! Gods promises, I do believe them! I want to come out of this crisis a whole, healthy person! God willing! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! I love that phrase! I just told my Dr. last week, I have been fortunate enough to be in love twice! I love both! Giving and receiving! I was so young when I married the first time! When I met Denny, it was electric! After he came in the donut shop, we engaged 4 weeks later! It took him almost 2 years to set a date! I don’t care what we did wrong or what we did right! We did it together with 4 kiddos! I am a hopeless romantic! Denny would not admit it, he was too! Those memories make me smile! We came out on the other side! Much later down the road, we were able to laugh about things! The things you learn along the way, that’s what makes a stronger bond! Give and take, lovingly! So 3 in the marriage! God first, makes the ride smoother! We both gave and we both received! It validates your commitment! Good sense of humor! It can get bumpy! Aren’t those the two fun rides? Merry Go Round and Roller Coaster! I love, love! God is good! If you are blessed enough to still have your spouse, don’t sit around wasting time! Don’t get lost in the shuffle of life! Get to know yourself also! It goes fast! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! Every Monday that has rolled around, since Denny’s passing, is another week without him! Today is 11 weeks! It seems like a replay every week! I will say for me, I still cry everyday, but today seemed a little easier! I was busy all day! I am going to say the same thing I did with Denny! Bad is such a negative word, and what does good mean! I’m calling my days different! I pick and choose what I want for my days! All of us have different days, for whatever reason! I am so thankful for the years that God allowed us! We overcame so much in our personal lives and our marriage! You just never know! God is my helper, my healer, my provider, I will praise Him the rest of my life for the changes in us and our marriage! God has His ways and I will not question them! In many ways the last 7 yrs. were are strongest! We never not loved each other, our bond became stronger! I will praise God for the rest of my life for blessing me with a man like Denny! Solid Gold! So humble! Forever my policeman! This earth is not our home! We are passing through! Keep moving forward, don’t look back! Regret can eat you alive, if you let it! Moving forward, we are all pressing toward home! I miss him more everyday and I can still smile! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! I have been sitting here awhile! Just thinking about the day! So different from the past! It will be that way again! There is a lesson here from God, I am sure of it! When the tomb was found empty, that was the first Easter! Easter today without Denny was very painful! I felt similarities between the two events! So now my Angel Wings resides in Heaven with Jesus! Not that I should compare anything next to Jesus! I guess, similar emotional feelings! Great sorrow! Moods are hard to keep up with, especially when they change so quickly! Today, the first of many firsts! None of them will be easy! It is important to stay on top, the crying, the moods! I do not want to slip into anything that would take me backwards! I love looking up positive quotes! And sharing them! Those encouraging words check me and behaviors! So far, so good! I don’t think the crying will stop when it comes to certain Anniversaries of him slipping away! My crying is much less when I am busy! God is good! I will look to Him, the One who saved me! I hope you all made wonderful, lasting memories today! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! As I mentioned in a post, I have never had a holiday with just one pie! I boiled and colored eggs! Once again tonight I feel exhausted! If your Easter Eve was busy today with holiday traditions, then you are tired also! So, God is good, He is on the throne! Good night ! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️✝️

Good evening! Friday blog! I don’t know how many actually think about what happened on that very first Good Friday! I never used to! But today, when I think of Denny in heaven, set free, from the bondage that Parkinson’s had him in! Praise be to God, the only one who loved us enough to become a living sacrifice for us all! You only have to ask God once! He loves you wether you say yes to Him or not! You will never know how glorious life can be, if you don’t! It was a living hell, excuse my language, in this bedroom watching Denny continue to suffer! But, how much worse would it have been, if we didn’t know Jesus! It would have been agonizing! Truly the most painful thing I have been through! I am only in one piece because of Jesus and what happened on that cross today! How do I know! Denny never complained, he did not get angry, he did not blame anyone! That was God! As much as I cried through that whole ordeal, Gods strength was with me, day and night, in order to take proper care of him! There were two things he said, more than once! Marilyn, you should not have to do this! I said, Denny, I know I don’t have to! I choose to because I love you! As he started to decline, he said, it won’t be long now! I believe he was talking about Jesus! He knew where he was going! Those are Jesus conversations! So today I mourn the death of Jesus and Denny! God, Jesus, paved the way for us! Gods plan is perfect! Always, no matter how painful it seems! It’s only for a little while! Sunday is coming! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! I am feeling especially smart this evening! I am all about old dogs learning new tricks! I had Grief Share from my own room tonight, on Zoom! How wonderful technology is! Actually conversing with our leader, and others from the group! Soooooo cool! In just that short amount of time, I know I am moving in the right direction! A little Denny this evening! Almost 10 years older than I, I had never met anyone quite like him! He had a sweet shyness about him! Like a school boy! It worked, it won me over! Our life was not perfect in many ways, I have mentioned we are both bipolar and not diagnosed yet! Let your imagination go on that one! I am not dishonoring him in anyway! I want what we had and overcame, to help others who struggle! Our pain alone and our pain together was strong, but our love and staying committed was stronger! No doubt in my mind, we were meant to be! I do believe in fairytales! The kind that God writes! Once we really let go of ourselves! I will never stop saying how much I loved him and miss him! Every picture I look at of him, transports me to that time in our life! Wether good or bad, I think about us being over comers! We had a lot of adversity in our own selves and together in our marriage! I only think of him with goodness! He was such a giver! Just like my dad was! I am the blessed one, to have had him and known him! Just his presence filled a room! He was so appreciative of everything! I see him in every sunrise! I see him in sunsets! Every love song I hear, it’s about him! I am lost in Denny! I don’t mind at all! I look for him in everything! This Sunday will be hard! I am cooking a small scale dinner for mom and I! I will think of him with every bite! I am making a lemon merengue pie, mom and I both like, but Denny’s favorite! Above all I miss our devotions together, and sitting in church holding his hand! I will miss my family Sunday! Keeping them safe and germ free is a high priority! He loved my cooking and baking! I miss giving it to him! I will remember his appreciation of food! He also loved my smile! I will keep smiling for him and all he stands for in our life! I will not live in doom and gloom! Crying is a normal reaction to grief! God keep wiping my tears! Please appreciate what you have this Easter and the empty tomb! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! I just posted how I got started writing my blog! It will be one whole year on April 13, 2019! My heart breaks all over again, thinking of everything we went through! I will never stop missing him! Such a hole in my life! Take care of each other, I cannot stress it enough! Especially in light of life right now! God is in control! Thank you for reading my journey! Goodnight! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! Moved all of my sewing into my bedroom! Some of the family asked for masks, mainly our kids! Spent most of the day doing those! Not done! I can’t keep my eyes open! I don’t like it! So, until tomorrow! God is good! Good night God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! I’m just going to be honest tonight! This 10 week already, has crushed me today! The crying has escalated throughout this day! I need to get some sleep! I am not depressed, nor do I want to be! It’s just waves of sorrow! I know my life is not as it was or ever going to be as it was with Denny! I would ask for some prayer tonight as I navigate this path that I do not want and cannot change! My faith is not, nor will it be shaken! My very soul misses him! I really am thankful for social media, for the right things! I feel your love and care! Thank you! God has His reasons! Thats all I need to know! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! I do not have TV on much and I know why! I hear nothing but total chaos! Has anyone heard the word prayer! Just because there is no church right now! God cannot be cancelled out! Sunday is still Sunday! The day the Lord set aside for worship! God still hears and sees! Which can be done in your homes! And, don’t get me started on Toilet Paper! When I started at Jerusalem school, we did not have a bathroom in our house! Not just a couple of days, 5 years! I don’t remember ever hearing the word Toilet Paper! Think about that! The God I know, loves us, sees us and definitely hears us! I want peace! I am far from being over grieving the loss of Denny, so, really, I only care about the loss of precious life to quickly! That is what this horrible Virus is doing, robbing people of everything! Even making new memories! We have to fight against this evil! I choose Jesus! And He chooses you! We need to be on our knees! God is still good! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! We cannot complain about time! Precious time really! Do you wonder how you squeezed everything in, in a day! I know I say it enough! It’s because time ran out for Denny and I! If I could have grabbed time and stopped it for just one more day! What would we have chosen? From what I allow myself to hear, a lot of spouses are home with one another! Once again, I am no expert! But, you both have the free will to treat each other with love and respect! How about thankfulness, for the years of work! I mean any work! I was a stay at home mom, and I am thankful! I know my grandchildren loved having their dad home! Life is all about choices! How I wish I were in your shoes! For a day! On a lighter note, after our walk, I had 3 garbage bags full of 7 years of medical paperwork! Drs. hospitals, nursing homes, medical receipts, etc. I thought I would shred! I would have been sitting here for 2 weeks, out to the burning can! I loved it! I was done in 2 hours! Such a nice day, I cleaned the car! My mind was kept busy for awhile! My first mistake in the house, a Hallmark movie, Letter in a Bottle! It will be 10 weeks on Monday! My emotional pain, when I am alone, cuts all the way to my soul! Talk about paper products! I don’t know what I would do without Kleenex! I am still staying positive! Still clinging to the scriptures! I call it, mood swings of grieving! They swing, they don’t stay! Thank you Lord! Well, I am kind of all over the map tonight! Thats my day! Can’t wait for that morning walk! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️This was my favorite song, 1973! The year my son was born! That did not help my heart strings either! It’s a wonderful song! The singer died that same year in a plane crash! Don’t wait till tomorrow! Sweet dreams!😴❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! I miss my family! I count on God! But, I knew my family could be seen, hugged, kissed, in a matter of a few miles! I know I am not the only one who is going through this! I know I am not the only one without a spouse! All of this has accelerated my grieving! God has me! I ripped my bedroom apart today to stay busy! Moved all of my furniture, cleaned, rearranged! My little office space- card table, had my back to my new flat screen! Now I can see it! I bought a DVD player, I have a lot of movies! Something different until the storm passes! Not my will, but Gods will be done! I am very sleepy! Till tomorrow! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! Since it is TBT, I will share a Denny and I picture, after the other images! I was really doing well today, kept very busy! Beautiful weather took me back to the park with my doggie, Beagle! Stopped to the store and went for ice cream! She really had a good time! When we got home, my new necklace was here! Denny’s thumbprint on a charm and engraved on the back, Angel Wings! I love it! It’s so beautiful! What wonders can be done for our memory keepsakes! God is so good to me! Even missing everyone! I thank God for all of this technology! Truly miracles! Anyway, opening it became very emotional! My cousin stopped to check on us, with his funny doggie, Lily! But once alone I got it out! Then my granddaughter popped up on something called TikTok! Just that fast, hilarious! I’m ok, when I get equal amounts of both! Lol! Emotions! Mine fly like the wind! So, images to share my necklace! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! The only words I have tonight, is Jesus, come quickly! I have not watched TV since Denny passed! I know what’s happening! God does not want anyone of us to parish! He is taking time! People are dying at a very fast rate! I choose to keep fear and worry away from me! I love Jesus! He came back and rose from the grave to save me, really from myself! I was my own worse enemy! He clears my mind, He helps me shut out the world, so I can call on His precious name, Jesus, there’s just something about that name! Master, Savior! He’s all I want! I miss my family, I love my family! We have a lot of time, to think about a lot of things! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! Let’s start at the top! Up at 4:30am, I felt I had a decent amount of sleep! Walking was set back for meetings that my daughter had to take care of, on the devices of course! The gloomy weather is not helping! I thought I was doing ok, I did laundry, I kept my meals on track! Then my granddaughter, who is a walker, who has my beautiful great grandson all bundled up inside his stroller! She walked to our house, for a puzzle! Social distancing goes for all, no matter the relation or the age! I wanted to hold him so badly! He was looking at me with those big blue eyes of his! More than all of that, I want them to have a long life together! A normal life! Always I love you’s! So I’m back in the house, in my room, let’s just say, the flood gates opened! I had a serious meltdown! I cried so hard I gave myself a headache, I felt sick! Even if my daughter is struggling also, she only gives me positive feedback! After I finally dried up my face, I said, I am going to Wild Wings! TobyMac came on, I See You In Everything! This singer just lost a child! The song is about seeing God, but, I thought, I see Denny in everything! Wild Wings was one of our favorite spots! Just us or B-day parties! I can cry and smile for the best of memories with him! I would hold his hands across the table and tell him, it will all be ok! His eyes were so blue! Came out feeling better than when I went in! Daughter and I sent each other a positive text!

I can crawl in bed and cry myself sick, or let it run it’s course and keep moving forward! God has me, I just need to breathe and keep looking up! Right after Denny passed our daughter grabbed me tight! I was holding my breath! She kept saying, breathe! So I keep reminding myself! Let’s all keep praying for each other! This truly is a test for each of us! I want to come out on the other side better! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! My dearest love in heaven! I am not going to ask how you are, I already know! Because I believe! In my mind I can see such a brightness, all around you! You look perfect, your dark, wavy hair again, so shiny and wavy! Your skin is golden from all of the light that surrounds you continually! Your eyes are so blue, bluer than before! It’s from the light of Jesus! Never ending light, brighter than the sun, moon and stars! Blinding light! No feelings in heaven, you just know love forever! With total acceptance! Clothed in white, beautiful white wings, golden halo, always smiling! Running in all places! The streets of gold, the never ending shoreline, by the never ending sea! The banquet table is full of never ending food, sitting there also, friends from the past, where age is eternal! Then all of your family from the past! You knew them all! I hope there was a few to greet you at the big golden gates! Music filtered everywhere, with an angelic choir! Who of us here on earth, would not want to go to heaven? To spend eternity there! The only peace I have until my time is done, is the blessed assurance of eternity with you, where you became whole again, when you passed over to the other side! Also the Trinity sitting on big golden thrones! Little angels flying everywhere! Thinking of you there does make me smile! You are not missing us, because you live in total bliss! It’s hard to fathom all of that! You just keep running around, enjoying your new heavenly body! When it’s my time, somehow you will know! That is when I will see you , standing at the gates! Oh, what a day, oh, glorious day that will be! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! I won’t lie! I have been struggling all day! My days are running together like a blur! It’s awful! I need to set up a schedule for myself! I only feel like a human at the park, when walking! I will not blame God as we ride this out! I need some serious Face Timing with family! I’m still grieving and I can’t see anyone! My mind and my heart are constantly struggling! When the the crying stops, I am a positive thinker again! I tell myself, God has His reasons for this and for you to be alone! It’s as simple as that! That’s the tug of war going on in me! I have my Zoom all set up and ready to go! Tomorrow morning at 9:00am, group therapy! Grief Share is starting this week on Zoom! Just telling all of you about it, makes me better! Thank you! This is a highlight for me, talking about life and what we are handed everyday! How do we handle it? Life is a struggle all by itself! Throw in a crisis that no one understands! Enough to rock anyone’s boat! It does not help that tomorrow is 9 weeks already! My heart and my mind are both tormented with missing him! The physical and mental are also a constant tug of war! I did not sleep good again! That’s never good for the mind! But still with all of this pain and missing him, that will never go away! God is and will remain my one constant in all things! He is the rock for us to hang onto, no matter how rough the ride gets! Now for some sleep, please! Good night! God bless! See the cloud above Denny’s head? It’s a heart!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! I did write this, at 8:00 this morning! I waited to publish tonight! I did not sleep well, my sleep is not the way it use to be! I am assuming at some point in time, my inner most will settle down! I’m not delusional, I just can’t get over how fast our life went by! I really do try to not give into “feelings!”Every feeling like love and anger, if you feel like being in love today, you might not feel it tomorrow! But, you know you are committed! Commitment is a big word, with, a big meaning! A very important word! I use to fly by the seat of my pants! Never committed to any of the important things in life! That word connects us to all we do! Relationships, school, jobs, volunteering, exercise, etc! 21 days to form new habits! Some of us run from one commitment, let alone many! It’s natural to not take on to much! Over committed can take you down! Everything needs balance! Do not act on every word that flies through your head, been there also! Consequences! Step back, breathe, look at the whole picture before you leap! Many beautiful, great smelling roses along our journey! How many stop to smell garbage? You won’t feel good about it! The biggest and best commitment, choosing, Jesus! You will not ever stop smelling roses, for “He”is The Rose Of Sharon! A lot of things pass through my mind, it doesn’t mean I want to act on any of it! Roses wilt fast! Here’s hoping that walk gives me a good nights sleep! I do love every one of you! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! I guess I am destined to be an evening writer! I keep waiting for 3:00am to come back to me! 3:00am was my time frame for a couple of years! It was so I could have some alone time for me! So now with this virus crisis, I have all day to me! God has quite a timetable! I know I have written about it! I went back to church right after the funeral! Planning in my head the need to revive longtime friendships! I’m big on one day at a time, but I do forget and run ahead of myself in thinking! I am waiting on the Lord and His timing! Does anyone remember the soap opera with the hourglass? Like sands through the hourglass, so these are the days of our lives! I’m sure by now it is an iconic phrase! I have always liked the hourglass! Big ones, little ones! Now that Denny’s time with me on earth has passed, I feel our life ran through the hourglass! That’s how fast it seems to me! I was doing well this morning! I am to happy when I walk to cry! Plus I do not want to bum my daughter out! The ProMedica Co. came today to take the first hospital bed back! That brought memories back! So I had a meltdown! It runs its course and then I am fine! I was tired of sitting at my desk-card table all day! I was cold so, at 5:00pm I got ready for bed, after I had pizza! My absolute favorite comfort food! I decided to watch Denny’s memory video on flash drive! That is why I bought that big TV! Almost nine weeks and this was my second time to watch! I did pretty good, the music pulls the heart strings! But, the last six weeks before God took him, are really hard! I wish, I want, I feel, I need, serves no purpose to think these things! Our sand ran its course! I guess now I have an hourglass of my own! So let’s keep praying for this crisis to teach us something and maybe, have a little bit of life as we knew! Gods timing is everything! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good afternoon! Thursday blog! Where did my morning go? Why do the hours pass so quickly? I feel I have accomplished nothing! But, I know that is not true! My daughter and I walk together now, since she is off work! Had breakfast! Mom is feeling a lot better!She wanted her perm, I am the giver of that! Lunch! My therapist called today! The addiction center I go to downtown, The Zeph Center, of course is closed! That brings a whole new set of problems for those who are not recovered and need the support of and from others! So my therapist asked me to set up Zoom for video chat- conference- support group! We already tried it out! It takes me awhile! I take the long way around! My kids and grandkids are wizards! Daughter and daughter in law are very smart teachers! Help all around me! I was told to use my good friend, Google! He has been like my best bud the last couple of years with Denny! There was a lot to look up! I received my final Social Security paperwork today, my monthly payments are finalized, for Denny’s and mine to merge! A lot of confusion in the beginning! A whole lot of paperwork! Pension for widows is done! I won’t be rich! Lol! But not in the street! Time to get out my Dave Ramsey book and workbook! I can do this! Budgeting, one of my new words! Obedience to God is the first word, in all areas! I sooooo want to live the rest of my life, being pleasing to the Lord! Joy and Happiness! No matter what this world is facing! God is my answer! My hand is in His! Before my mom knew she was pregnant, God knew my birth date and the day He will take me to be with Denny! WOW! What a miraculous plan! He knows how many hairs are on my head! And, I am not perfect! God knows me and loves me anyway! He knew I would be a tough nut to crack! After I cracked, who was waiting for me? God! Who put me back together? God! Who dries my every tear? God! Ohhhhh to be loved like that! I rest in His arms! Denny’s arms are around me to! The glory of the Lord! There is nothing to compare! In these trying times, God is the only one you can count on! Have a wonderful evening in your home! You can make it very special! I miss that with Denny! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! Somehow I have my time turned around again! No commitments, accept walking! No appointments! Yet, here I am trying to type through tears! I am so much better in the morning! Just emotional tonight! Going through a lot of pictures! That’s emotional enough! Some, I can stare at, some, I fall apart! Depends on what stage in life! I feel I make good use of my time! It slips by so fast! I just miss it all, sharing! It’s very hard! I know my God and what He says! He holds me together, when I feel I am breaking in a million pieces! God knows all of the reasons for this! I find myself in prayer a lot more! That’s a good thing! Closer to the Father! So, good night till morning writing! When I feel and am fresh! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! I think about God and where Denny is! I’m so thankful that he knew Jesus! The blessed assurance that we will be together again, better, more glorious than one can ever imagine! With everything going on, I think on Jesus and His coming again! None of us knows, what if this is leading up to the Rapture? So I have another poem about meeting in heaven, to go with the title! Picture it! Where my Angel Wings will meet me! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

This is not goodbye, I say it, even when I cry! I tried to plan it all along, when the moment came, I would be strong! It seems funny now, that everything is done, my tears bring strength, like being one! It’s never goodbye, only till we meet again, when I meet you in heaven, I will call you friend! When our eyes meet and we hold each others hands, we will run like kids, in the ocean sands! Just bright Son shine, glowing all around, the love of Jesus everywhere, from the never ending sky, to the never ending ground! We just keep smiling, what a beautiful place, the love of God, shining on our face! Harps are playing, when the angels are singing, the sound so wonderful, the message it’s bringing! Swing open the gates, find that perfect peace, as we walk the streets of gold, so warm under our feet! So, this is heaven, we thank you dear God, for saving our souls, with just a nod! We never sleep, we never cry, we never need to ask God why! No more telling anyone goodbye! Promise you will wait for me, at the golden gate, I promise you forever, I love you, it’s a date!❤️✝️❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! April is Parkinson’s Awareness Month! Knowledge or perception of a situation or fact! Concerned about and well-informed! I still have a lot to learn! I know a couple of people that passed and a couple of people who are facing the outcome! I did not know much about it! I started reading, took him to a seminar, really I took him to anything that would keep him moving! If you are not already an active person, it will be hard to jump on it, after the diagnosis! So, Denny became very ill mentally in 2013! I now believe, that Parkinson’s was also the culprit! A lot can happen when your dopamine is depleted from your brain, and nothing good! He was diagnosed in 2014, it did not take long for all of us to realize, that this was going to be a big challenge! Looking back, I think he started progressing mind wise in 2013! Issues with driving, losing things, hiding things! It’s not a funny thing! The person struggling does not realize the behavior he is displaying! Denial, anger, grief over the person suffering, trying to understand it all! Besides the dopamine, we noticed a tremor in his thumb! I could have read a thousand books, you could not have prepared me-us for what we would face! But, you have to keep moving, everyone’s Parkinson’s is different! I am no expert! I just know what I witnessed! Some people have lived with it for 20 years, before they reach what stages Denny seemed to advance to quickly! When the feeding tube went in, in August, we went to the neurologist , I asked what stage is Denny at? He did not look at me, but said, he is pretty advanced! Not the greatest answer, but I felt we were in for a rough ride! You all know the rest! Almost six months! I did not know this illness was a brain disease, I thought it was muscular! I was glad when I found out it was not terminal! But, the advancement of it, did not spare us from suffering! It’s a horrible disease, that robs the person and their family! This has all been so hard! Every Monday is like living it again! I cannot imagine where this would be, if we did not know God! God is with me when I cry at night, like right now! God is my sleep, God is my coffee! I will not pull my hand from Him! He is my very being, into my soul! Denny left, but Gods strength will see us through! There is no other way! Amen! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! My days are so messed up! The only normal going on, is walking! I wrote out a new schedule this morning, just to stay on top of things! Tomorrow will be two months already! I can’t even wrap my mind around that! I miss him so! It doesn’t matter what I am thinking about, looking at, or doing! I see Denny in all of it! In April it will be one whole year since I started writing! I have been wanting to do a poem for and about that last week of his life! I just could not do it, until today!

I know Jesus hand was on Denny from the start, Jesus knew in 2020 we would have to part! But oh, my aching heart! Seven years you struggled, that’s a very long time! I didn’t want to let you go, after all, you were mine! God had very different plans, as you grew weaker, I grew stronger, then Jesus took you from my hands! Many came to say goodbye, love surrounded your bed! Our love could not stop that last breath, when the angels came instead! Seven years just flew away, like sand in an hour glass, as we all held you in our arms, it was time to see you pass! That last heartbeat, when you took your last breath, now all I feel, is like I’m crying to death! All that has transpired since then, has become a reality, I knew all along I couldn’t choose, self pity! Denny would not want that for anyone of us, he only wanted us to have great faith, because Jesus is who we trust! As hard as it is, to face each new day, tomorrow is two months already, since you went away! I love you forever, I miss you even more, it just has to stay this way, till Jesus knocks at my door!

Good afternoon! Saturday blog! I have been going through phone pictures ! Amazing how many a phone can hold! Don’t you wonder how many albums that would take? I do! Anyway, 45 years we lived together, married 42! That’s a lot of pictures! I have been working on getting all of my scrapbooking things organized! Of course every other picture is of Denny! With every picture comes a flood of memories! He was a memorable guy! With every memory comes a new flood of tears! I start crying so hard, I can’t even see my iPad! No wonder it takes me so long to finish! Lol! I love that I was on that journey with Denny making so many memories! And then, so sad, because our journey ended to quickly! I believe in Gods timing! It doesn’t stop the hurt! Sometimes I think I am torturing myself! There is no way I can put 45 years in one blog, so I highlighted a few! Top left, our first Christmas, right under, our last Christmas! Ironically, Last Christmas is one of my favorite songs! Going right, our wedding picture! The picture of Denny and I, under the police pictures, was our 41st Anniversary during a lengthy stay at KingstonRehab! I made a big heart cake and we shared with everyone! Next, Denny, and I are pregnant with our daughter and with our son, in the picture, and of course our blended family with Denny’s two oldest daughters! Not pictured! Two police pictures! Middle left, shows how thoughtful Denny was! For my 50th B-day, he surprised me with Phantom of the Opera, 3 tickets! I went with our two youngest! Denny did not like musicals! So, we 3 went to the Olive Garden and the play! One of my favorite gifts and memory! Next, he is waving bye, from our house of 40 years and life! 2016 our last vacation, Myrtle Beach, on the tail end of a hurricane! Rough ride! Who can forget this kiss, not me! Our 40th Anniversary party that I gave us, for the memory! Far left, our evening out to dinner and Rod Stewart concert, a gift also from our granddaughter and her man, now her husband! Next, that handsome picture of Denny at our granddaughters wedding! Then our 3 youngest grandkids at the Zoo lights! Great memories that season with all of our grandkids! A great Christmas gift! Filled with memories! Then, Denny was born on 6/3/1943, on 6/3/2019, Denny’s 76th and last B-day and party with family at Blackberry Corners! So many more memories! He was such a giver, just wanted to make his family happy! And that he did! I will forever miss that man! It’s to bad, no one knows they are making memories until that one life is gone! Please enjoy my memories with me, especially if you were part of these! Gods blessings were given to us, over and over! Thank you Lord Jesus for every memory, of a very memorable presence in our life! He will never be forgotten! Your family will love you forever! Have a wonderful evening! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good afternoon! Friday blog! It’s afternoon already! Going to see my granddaughter and, adorable great grandson! He is soooo sweet! I have had my two kids walking with me this week! Grateful! Loving the family time! Was at Hobby Lobby twice this week! I only have three years to get three scrapbooks done for our three graduates in 2023 and the youngest one in 2024! So actually four books! So grateful I have all of them, so precious to me! So, one has to go back, it has a slice on the binder! I love that store! Half of my heart is so full, the other half still missing Denny! My angel wings! Overwhelming sadness still washes over me, like being hit by a semi! Emotions flipping like a coin! It’s not bad, it just is! I feel I am on a healing path! I do like to stay busy! God is still good, even and especially in these trying times! I’m off to visit! Enjoy the rest of your day! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good morning! Thursday blog! As promised, a writing in the morning! Today’s Daily Bread, Delight in the Book! How appropriate for and with everything going on! I accepted Christ in 1980! Denny accepted Christ in 1982! For a good many years we served Jesus and our church! Until mental illness took over our lives and our home! It was devastating to our families that witnessed the wrong doing and out of control behaviors! Thank God we had the good sense to seek help and with medication! It took me longer to come to that realization! I did leave a path of destruction everywhere I went, not always taking my meds like I should have! Praise God! Jesus got ahold of my life 2016! Jesus certainly brought everything to light in our home! One day at a time, growing ever stronger on my journey, taking care of Denny until Jesus said, Denny, it is time! The kids and I witnessed the transformation on his face, when he left us! So, how ironic today’s Daily Bread is on worry, fear, and anxiety. How amazing that was written a while ago! The scriptures were written for each and every one of us! It’s what we do with it! I know for me! There is no way I want to spend the rest of my life time away from God! What’s going on now in this world, I say, Jesus, come quickly! Put your faith and hope in Gods hands! Truly the only way to a peace filled life! Taste and see, that the Lord is good in all ways, and in any circumstances! Here are some images supporting scripture! Have a great day! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! I definitely need to switch my blogging time! I wake up good! Happy, ready to start a new day! At night, I’m tired, want to to sleep! My hours are messed up! I am much more sad at night when I come in here! I will write early tomorrow! Something light and refreshing! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! I am sharing images tonight of St. Patrick’s Day one year ago! FB memories! Just one year ago today, I had Denny sitting at the kitchen table with me! Having coffee, in my green cup! I’m sure I fixed him a nice breakfast! I always did, especially on special occasions! A lot can happen in a year! I was still able to go walking! Denny got up and down with his walker! Five months later, August, he fell, 102 fever, pneumonia and a throat that could not work anymore! That was a rough hospital stay! Little did we know!!! Everything after that all went wrong! Let me say this, if there is absolutely nothing else that can be done, then take them home! It is hard to let go of hope! We did not know it would be our last year! Not even a year! I am so thankful for the two months that we cared for him at home! It went by so fast! After walking today, I decided to cook and bake! I so miss doing special meals for him! Dressing up the table, just for him! Through it all, God has been there for me and our family! Enjoy my memory of St. Patrick’s Day past! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! Seven weeks today! Seems like Seven eternities! I can function so well during the day! New house client today! I cleaned for five hours straight! I get home, have supper, in my room, here comes the tears! I can still hear the way he sounded that morning! Some things will never leave! I do choose Joy and Happiness every morning! By evening it starts quickly, I feel so sad! In pain, like someone cut me open! It doesn’t stop me from getting everything done, on my schedule! I do not want to be crippled by grief! But, it is so overwhelming! I know he is in heaven, that is comforting! I wish I could hug him! So much I miss! I have to keep my eyes on the prize! Eternity with Jesus and Denny, my angel wings! Notice the picture of little wings, that I found in the bedroom today! I know exactly where they came from! When we moved in with mom, I dropped a Precious Moments Angel! Knocked her wings off! I put them on the lamp that has a dish! The lamp is on the night table, right next to where he slept! Since he has been gone, I nicknamed him angel wings! I found the wings today! It was enough to give me goosebumps! God is always good! I do lean on his promises! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! He reins forever and ever! I never forget that! Today, the Lords day, the day of rest! Set aside for worship! Many churches closed for caution and safety! After my walk, I found out that our granddaughters church, had open doors! I have three churches that I love! My home church, I was 28 when I started going there! Life gave Denny and I quite a ride! My God has proven His promises to me and Denny! Without a shadow of a doubt, my Denny is in heaven! Rededicating our lives to Him was the greatest moment ever! Knowing God loved us that much! God never walks away or stops loving us! We are the guilty ones! We are the ones who turn away! Then we want to blame God! Gods plan is perfect! Read His promises! They are amazing! If I was the only person on earth, God still would have died for me! That’s how great His love is for all of mankind! Thank you Jesus for loving me through the mess! Thank you for the strength you have given me continuously, as you carried me through this painful season of life! And still doing so! Tomorrow will be seven weeks! I can’t even wrap my mind around that! My God is good! He is and will remain the one constant in my life! No turning back, no looking back! I will stay faithful! Then on that glorious day,when I see Jesus! Denny, my angel wings will be right there! This is what I choose everyday! Tears do not rob me of my faith! If anything, stronger! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! Sitting here in bed, I do not think I am feeling sorry for myself! But, I cannot get a handle on crying tonight! I look around and keep remembering! I thought of something tonight, please do not take this the wrong way! Everyone was here, everyday, when it was over, everyone was gone! Which I know is the natural order of things! The circle of life! Back to work, back to school, back to life! It goes on, as best as we can, handling our pain! When I am in the middle of it, I feel as if it will never stop! But, it does! I go to sleep! No matter what time I fall asleep, I wake up seven hours later! Not always feeling refreshed, but walking refreshes me! Round and round we go! No one is to blame! God will hold me up, He will put me back together, He alone knows every piece of our lives, like a puzzle! His plans for us are amazing! Jesus take the wheel and keep me on the straight road! I have never felt anything so overwhelming! Denny, my angel wings, I love you forever and always! I miss even more! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Friday blog! Everything I have gone through, every bad choice I have made, not considering consequences, constantly playing the victim card, manipulating people for my own whatever’s, chasing rainbows that cannot be caught! You get the picture! It is only by the GRACE of GOD that I am even living and breathing! My family is nothing short of miraculous! Our children, our grandchildren, are my biggest and greatest cheerleaders! They said, mom you can do it, and so I have! I truly do not know how I would have gotten through all of this pain, if it was not for them! Life is all about choices! Everything we think about, or look at, are things to choose! During my recovery path, I started to put positive things in my life! As Denny’s illness progressed, I knew I would need to call on all of the positives I started! If I wanted to stay sane! So God and I put together a plan! No matter how painful it became, I would continue all of the healthy mental and physical things I had! My mind was already set on what I would do when Denny passed and went to heaven! God gave me new strength in all areas! My Bible, my journaling, my blogging, my walking, my sewing, my baking, scrapbooking! These things are not passing hobbies! They are my choices, for my mind, my life, my health! God willing! Sometimes Denny wanted me to read what I was writing to him! He thought they sounded good! Sometimes he fell asleep before I finished! Dear God I miss him so much! So everyday I put together a plan, a rough graph of my day! Step back, give yourself a pep talk! You are worth it! I do it everyday! I hate Parkinson’s and what it does to lives! I do not hate life! Two ways to choose! Praise God for a free will to choose! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Thursday blog! I’m going to toss in a TBT picture! I added some writings about angel wings! I love that nickname! I wish the fatigue would leave me alone! I want normal sleep back! Till tomorrow! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Wednesday blog! I left at 8:15am this morning, and got home tonight at 6:20pm! S.S. was not a good experience today! But, finally everything was settled when I left! A little piece of mind! My numbers grew from the last visit! Just get the numbers in the bank! LOL!!! It was all making me miss Denny more! These are all of the things he knew exactly what to do with! He had a great numbers mind! A knack for paperwork and keeping it all organized! He had his own system! So many different things I miss about him! I thought he was a walking wonder! Anyway, I was there two hours! Went grocery shopping! Cookie order for the weekend! Had a small cleaning job and of course, it was time for my nails! Yes, they look beautiful and red! I have all day tomorrow before Grief Share! I will be baking those cookies! A little bit of negative tried to creep in, but a whole lot of positive takes over! Still tears, they do seem a little less! I am happy to be cleaning again! Call me crazy, but I love it! There is a certain satisfaction when you step back and see everything shining! Then there are the smiles from families that are happy that they did not have to do it! It’s a win, win! Makes me smile! I hope Denny is smiling down on all of us and proud that we are all trying to stay focused on moving forward! We will never forget him and all he taught us and showed us in his own loving way! God, thank you for holding us up and taking us through each new day as we try to stay positive for all of the right reasons! #1 reason, our angel wings! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Tuesday blog! Where do I begin? Let’s step back a bit! I will admit, I said Denny was almost ten yrs. older than I! Old school and some old fashioned! I was a kept woman! I knew how to do things, checks, bills, but, never required! If I did make money, he would not take it! Along this Parkinson’s way, an EMT said, are you legally able to sign for him? Well yes, I am his wife! Not the same! So I sat down with Denny and said, some legal matters have to be changed! But, even still, I had no idea the amount of paperwork, running around to get it done! Switching bills to me, pensions, S. S. Faxing papers everywhere! I have to go to S. S. again in the morning, when I thought I was done! Like a new widow doesn’t have enough on her mind! First, I do not like my new title or surviving spouse! Every person though, has taken good and respectful care of me and were very understanding to my needs! That helps! It just takes time and patience! Not easy handling all of those death certificates! Slow but sure things are being taken care of! I obtained some houses already today for cleaning! Like I said, word of mouth has always worked for me! Of course putting God first, asking for His guidance and being obedient to His word, brings peace of mind and calm in life’s storms! Again, faith! So, now on my own, bill wise anyway, I will learn the responsibilities of life! Old dogs can be taught new tricks! Lol! I love that phrase! Tonight a light evening of burgers, laughter with cousins, sister and brother in law, who make me laugh! Love them all! They have big hearts! I miss my angel wings like crazy! He took such good and protective care of me and our family! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Monday blog! Six weeks today! Where is time going! I worked all day! Not without sobs! It just engulfs me, takes my breath away! I can’t even speak! I really have no words tonight! Just feel drained! Joy comes in the morning! Because I choose it! I love my a God and He will supply all of my needs! I chose some images about faith! Good night, God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog! Today was my first funeral since Denny’s! Always good to see cousins! No matter how long ago, just like yesterday! I am moving back into house cleaning! I start tomorrow! Always has been good in the past, word of mouth! So, I am not worried! Sermon on Devotion today! My days are always sour if I try to start without God first! Priorities! Devoted to memories of Denny also! Just would not seem normal to me! I just crazy miss him! God, please take care of things that are still pending! God is good! I’m exhausted! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Saturday blog! My daughter can find some pretty profound things to share about many topics! Never is she more passionate, than when it has something to do with her dad and what we are going through! The topic of grief is a big one! We have all experienced grief to some level in our lifetime! But, nobody will ever be able to prepare you for it! I thought my dad was a great loss! I lost my grandma at eleven! I know our grandchildren are grieving! Our children are grieving! I will not minimize anyone’s pain! It is very real! I couldn’t even prepare myself! I know since 2013, I have cried an ocean of tears! We talked about who might go first! We are not God, so anyone at anytime! Only God knows! Denny was almost ten years older than me, so statistically! We don’t know the time, no matter what age, or how! Our job is to trust God, His reasons, His purpose! To ask God why, I did not, and I have not asked! That would be like God saying to the world, why did I send my Son to the cross for you? Because of His great love for us! That right there, is the only thing that brings me comfort! Knowing how much God loves Denny and I! I was sobbing so hard when I started typing! Gods great love comforts me, like a warm blanket! Gods great love for us is all we need to know! When I get to Heaven, it will be so glorious, so grand, I won’t even think of the word why! There will never be a time frame or time limit on my grief! Crying does not weaken my faith! Denny and I were very passionate about our relationship! We had our demons! Both being bipolar! Think about that a minute! When we were good, we were good! When we were bad, we were bad! Our love and forgiveness of and to each other never took back seat! Our love will be locked in my heart forever! I will not apologize for how much I love him and miss him! So I have to accept that I can only express my love to his picture and our memories! They are many! Grieving can become a dark place, only if you let it! Look for the light of Jesus! Good night! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️