Follow The Grief Brick Road

Good evening. Monday blog. Who does not know the movie and the song. The Yellow Brick Road, more importantly, what were they looking for at the end of the journey? A Home, Denny and I raised our family on a brick road in East Toledo. It was a beautiful street when we moved in, 40 years of our life took place on that street! A Brain, mine is so cloudy, so foggy, like trying to look through steam covered glass, I’m running ahead of my grief! A Heart, I have a heart, it’s broken, I have to give it time to heal! And last, Courage, to face it all! Everything I want to do and need to do, will all take place as I move through healing, the grief process! I need to stop running ahead of myself, let the natural progression of the grief steps take place. I feel like a ship lost at sea! I know these things are not true. But, the grief is real. I have a lot of books on grief. I bought 3, 1 of them recently. I have a stack from the library. I have not read any of them. Today I picked up the new one. Broken-hearted, the loss of a spouse. I am halfway through it already. I did not want to put it down. There is hope for me!!! I’m just kidding. I know I am not hopeless. Everyone thinks I am doing great, why do I keep taking my grief temperature? I need to be patient with myself. I watched Denny’s memory video today, I loved it. I loved before, just couldn’t see it through the tears. I’m just really going to be blunt here. If you have a spouse, I don’t care what age. There are no guarantees. Life is not fair, I was grieving long before he was taken. Parkinson’s took him by bits and pieces. Being the caregiver, I had the ringside seat. I can’t even begin to find the words on how painful it was to watch my strong man who always took care of everything, being taken that way. I know I am not the only one in this kind of pain. I’m just sharing how bad it hurts. I don’t visit pity parties. Now that things are opening up, I can move into a different normal. What’s normal anyway. We all have something that hurts, this is by far my worst booboo. One day I’m ok, the next, I’m a mess. I recover from my mess. That’s a good thing. I am going back to Planet Fitness tomorrow! I can’t wait. So, in all of this messy grief business, God remains my focus, He hears me when I cry and think I’m weak, He sees me, when no one else can, and He understands it all. God sent His son to the cross to pave the way for me with His Amazing Grace. I don’t have to say anything else. I don’t deserve it. I was given the gift anyway. I felt the need to poor my heart out tonight! Why? You are all such good listeners. Thank you. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️