Marilyn’s Heart

Good evening. Thursday blog. My gosh, it’s a whole new wave of tears! One minute, I feel like it’s the end of the world, the next minute, I feel fine, my old self and smiling! I guess I’ll just ride the waves for awhile! I’m fine when I am working, I’m fine with the baby and family. In the car or music, especially music, sunrise, sunset, the clouds, all make me think of Denny and what he went through last fall. It’s still so hard! I miss him beyond words. I feel lost, then boom, I am ok. Go with the flow! Fastest 10 months, but yet, seems like an eternity! I need to go have a Buttermilk pancake for him. That makes me feel better! In these troubled times! Cherish your families! Don’t let go. I wish I could describe the pain, that know one will ever understand, until they are there! If it were not for God, I swear I would be crazy. I don’t swear! Cling to the promises of God. That is all I can do. Cast my sorrow on Him! God is good! God is on the throne! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. Forgive yesterday. Went to bed late. I have to work the next two days. To beat the rush of shoppers, I decided to get holiday food today! Everyone else must have felt the same way. Each thing I put in the cart was a memory of what he really liked or not so much. Thanksgiving 2019 was the start of the decline. The nurse had to come. He did end up with another hospital stay. We did not know our granddaughter was was in the hospital also, ready to give birth. Denny came home on my B-day, our great grandson was also born that day. He is a gift. I love to cook, I want to cook, memories start, wether you want them to or not. I do not want it to be hard, yet, I know it will. Another milestone to keep moving forward. God is with me and the rest of the family. It will all be ok! I know I am healing. But, there are bumps in every road! COVID-19 making family time worse. Cling to Gods promises! That’s what they are for. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. 42 weeks today Denny has been gone from sight. Every Monday, I have a heavy heart! I love this picture of him! Such a great smile in light of what he went through for 9 weeks, the year before! I so miss his presence in my life. He was a force. I will say it again. Cherish your families. Blink! 45 years, over half of my life. Seems like it disappeared overnight. It’s tragic how fast time goes! You don’t know until you reach it! God bless all of you and everything you have going on! God is good. Good night.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. I was asleep last night by 8:30pm. No blog. And, nothing fell apart! Lol! The holidays are coming fast. COVID-19 is on the rise again. People dying is very real. I really do not live in fear or worry. What good would it do? Today though, I was thinking about how careless I was before I got my results! What if it had taken me? My kids would have to cope with no parents. How scary that must have been for them to think. Not to mention my grandchildren, and my 87 year old mom! Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard last season. Denny was declining. Now, this holiday, I still miss him every day, so those two days coming are going to be hard. All of our kids are staying at their own homes with their children! I understand completely. Maybe God wants all of us to grieve these two special days, but yet painful holidays separately. The plan is to Zoom later in the day. Of course cooking will be small scale. My cousin got our turkey. God is good and I thank Him for His promises that will give me the strength to get through. Then one more month and we will face the 1st anniversary. I can’t believe it’s almost a year! The good news, none of us dyed from grieving. It just feels like it. I know we are not the only ones that are facing these special things without a special someone. So, as well as the pandemic, we need to lift each other in prayer. It will be different for each one of us. If each one of us focus’s with prayer for someone else, we won’t dwell on our own pain. That sounds good to me. Nothing has taken away my crying yet. I do get past it faster. A lot of stress everywhere we go, please remember, if you cannot say or think a good and kind thing, don’t open your mouth. People still don’t seem to get it yet, that words can and are very painful. Prayer! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️Last January, 10 days before He flew away.👼🏻💔❣️

Good evening. Friday blog. Sorry, I missed yesterday. I am tired, this will be short. It is a different tired. Increased walking and going back to work. Not weary tired, just moving faster and different muscles! You all have a fantastic weekend. God is good and He is with us. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. November 8th, 2010. I had gastric bypass surgery, at The Center For Weight Loss Surgery, in Bowling Green. I believe it is the best. Today I had my 10 year out anniversary appointment. I started at 234 lbs. I am only 5’4” Not good! I felt lousy and tired all the time. Suffering depression from it all. I felt worthless. I know I am not! Today, my weight is 124 lbs. 109 lbs. down. That is a whole person. Walking helped me get all of the up and down weight gain and loss under control. I now can do 9 miles at one time. I am 67 years old. I took an F in gym class. I took an F in reading in front of the class. Today I was asked again to speak on gaining control of your weight gain again, to get back under control. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.” One of my favorites. God saw and knew the whole picture. I could not see past my nose. I did not know how to grieve the loss of my dad properly. Food became my comfort, really my demon. I am so proud of our children, they miss their dad and they hurt, but, they are on the moving forward path in healthy thinking. None have fallen backwards that I can see. Pressing on with Denny, I knew I would not choose backwards. I had come to far! Don’t let the natural process of life and death take you from your life. Life is not fair, it’s painful and God is still good. It was trial and error in the beginning. I did gain and go up and down and felt like a failure. I admit, I wanted skinny and to look good. I still had an ugly heart. Making bad choices. Praise God, I gave my life back to Him, who saved me from myself. God carried me all this way. He knew I had to be healthy to take care of Denny. Am I perfect? Far from it. When I let go and let God, miracles took place. I do believe in miracles. Many things and people I could not see with my eyes, but, finally I saw with my heart and soul. I have so much to live for. Little Man will not be the only great grandchild. I want to be healthy and around a long time for all of my family. Take care of yourself, mind, body and soul! Physically, mentally and spiritually. You are the only one you are going to get. Put your demons behind you! Be the very best version of you. God is our helper and protector. My before surgery picture and my 10 year out picture. Size 22-24 to size 4-6. Big difference! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

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How Blessed My Day Was

How Blessed My Day Was

— Read on marilynsheart.art.blog/2020/11/10/how-blessed-my-day-was/

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Our granddaughter was due in November 2019. Denny went into the hospital again right after Thanksgiving! She was in labor for two days! All of us at the hospital and not knowing, until he was born! Gods timing is everything. Emergency C- section on my B-day, the same day Denny came home! What a perfect gift. I got to hold him before we left the hospital. At that time we knew things for Denny were not looking good at all. He went down quickly in January. We knew we had our last Christmas. We took lots of pictures. The new Little Man with his Great Papa Reed! So, I believe that all of this was Gods timing. Denny lived two months after Thanksgiving. January was downhill, Denny passed and then COVID-19 came. All of our special days without Denny have been very bittersweet. Not together. Little Man is now 11 months old. He spent the day with mom and I. What a blessing he is, and a treat. Such a good boy! He is my date now, every Tuesday. I’m beside myself happy! It has been 14 years since my grandkids were babies. It truly was a fun day. Beagle did not think so. I am so thankful, over the top to be part of his life and care. Tuesday’s I can share his great Papa with him. Thankful Tuesday’s! Gods timing is perfect. Always! God is good always! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. It’s getting closer, that dreaded 1st year anniversary. I am really trying to stay positive for the holidays. This year has been horrible, keeping all of us apart! I am trying to think of creative ways to still get a glimpse of them. As well as Zoom. Thank God for technology. 41 weeks today, in heaven! God is good. He is taking care of all things! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

❤️I love you forever and miss you more.❤️That picture is from my mom and dads 50th Anniversary party.❤️I really wanted 50 years with Denny!❤️Missed it by 8 years!❤️My Angel👼🏻Wings!❤️

Good morning. Friday, Saturday and Sunday blog. Somehow my FB was not connected to publish! Behind again. I worked on Friday. Last evening, I went to the Grape Smuggler concert, with classmates. Now, getting ready for church. Have a great Sunday. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. Just sharing my heart tonight, and where it’s at. Recently, I have seen an old friend from school and neighborhood! Yes, we had a crush on each other, but, went our own way. We have run into each other a lot over the years. Just a hug and a hi. Sitting down for a chat does not spell relationship. He’s not looking and neither am I. Denny has only been gone 10 months. If God places these things on my heart, it has to come from Him. I sit and think a lot! When I was young, at 17, I looked ok. I got a lot of looks! I was a miserable person. Not nice either! I do know my faults! Now 67, my body has truly shifted! I am smaller than I was at 17, and healthier. I can have something hard to cope with, like losing Denny, and I cope and recover. There was a time, I thought, if I ever lose him, it will kill me. Well, I am still breathing. You can hurt and still function. It’s all about choice. I want the best of choices. I know if love ever comes my way again, I want to be loved for my heart, not appearance. That is fleeting, the heart carries much. At the moment, I don’t want anyone. Grief still lives. I feel good working again. I picked up 2 more houses. The best news of all, I get to sit my great grandson, Lukey on Tuesdays. Great great grandma is ecstatic, we are going to have fun. He is the only man I want in my life now! There will be other great grandchildren, that just might be enough. All in Gods hands and timing. The family tree does not stop growing. The branches grow in many places and directions. Gods timing and plans are always perfect. God is good! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good day Tuesday and Wednesday blog. So sorry, I fell asleep again! As long as I get my walk in, I can miss a blog here and there. Yesterday was my youngest grandsons B-day. My great- grandson was there. I have not been around any of them, till yesterday. Even the baby had been in quarantine, made me sick. I was so thankful to be with all of them. I saw my daughters on Saturday. It all did my heart well. Thankful tears, all the way home. It is very hard living with restrictions on family love. I get it, I do. Especially how fast Covid-19 can take over and cause fear and anxiety! Two of my grandchildren are having a tough time giving up family Thanksgiving time. It’s been hard all year, facing almost all of the holidays alone. All of the those firsts. We will be Zooming! In the meantime, they are growing so fast. The older I get, the faster time flies. I know you can all relate to what I’m saying. Most of us have children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, around the same ages! It’s hard not to feel sad. Thankfulness should always remain first! Always something to be grateful and thankful for. Good health, none of your outside activities have been taken away, the single person kind, walking, running, cycling. We have to be creative, positive and stay healthy. God is still on the throne and in control. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up” (Proverbs 12:25, NIV). “I sought the LORD, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears”(Psalm34:4). “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Have a great evening! God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Tomorrow is a new day! Thank God! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday and Sunday blog. I have fallen behind. The weather is not helping my walking at all. Still fighting fatigue. I did spend today on me. Trimmed, colored and frosted my hair. Did my hands and feet. I start a new house tomorrow. It’s also another Monday. They roll by so fast. 40 weeks tomorrow. Just not possible. There are days, I just want to throw in the towel. There are plenty of days, especially since experiencing COVID-19 first hand, I could pull the covers over my head and cry myself to death. That sounds extreme. It sounds awful and sad. It is. My lip finally healed and left a scar. No tastes, no smell. Not seeing my family is worse! They are all alive. I thought we would all spend the firsts together. Missing him together. How do you not feel alone? I think if Denny could speak to me, he would say, I didn’t know you would miss me so much. He would also say, it’s time for life, which I feel I do not have. That ugly word, feelings. They get in the way of everything. Keep fighting, that’s what I tell myself, even when I don’t feel any fight left in me. Keep smiling. My only comfort, God hears, God sees, God knows. God keeps me going! So, tomorrow it’s going to hurt again. God and Denny will both say, go ahead and cry, one more time! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good morning. Saturday blog. Happy Halloween! I wrote last night and fell asleep. Sorry about that. No my cookies are not done. Never fear, I start early. I have always loved Halloween! I wore a costume every year, except the year that our daughter was born. I wore costumes to Mothers Club, Denny’s rehab. Of course I always took favors and goodies. When Denny was sick, he wanted to dress up. We had a few years of fun with that, pictures to prove it. Always delivered the grandkids their goodies in costume. Just fun memories. Make time for fun memories. One day, it’s done. It does make me sad. Nobody needs a costume, we all have masks. Lol! Above all, please be safe today, with all of the little goblins out and about. Have a great day with your families! God bless.🎃❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️🎃

Good evening. Thursday blog. Just three more months, Denny will be gone one whole year! My grief is just as raw as last January! I actually choke on it! I was looking for something earlier and a folder fell on the floor. There were some papers, one said Bucket List in Denny’s handwriting. Our daughter said, he had to write that as part of his therapy. It was a lot of travel, that would have cost a lot of money! Canada was on there. We did go there, to a cabin for 19 years. Our best memories. I feel like someone is chopping me apart. My day was great, I mixed my cookie dough this morning, I went to work, Halloween shopping. I know I don’t stay there. It’s just so painful while I’m there. I can’t even surround myself with family. No hugs, no kisses. Yes, I understand why! God has His reasons why He has each one of us facing each special day alone. I don’t know if it would be more painful all together or all apart, like we have had to do! Thanksgiving, we will all still give thanks. Christmas is still Jesus birthday, to be celebrated. Then January will bring that dreaded 1st anniversary. My family has lost too many people in January. There are many of you on FB that have lost your spouses or partners. You know what I mean and how it feels. I feel like I am in an altered state! It’s exhausting and draining. Yet, I know God walks with me. He does not ridicule me for my very human heart, that just keeps breaking everyday. I have not had a day with dry eyes yet. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. The only time I am not tired is when I am walking! I feel like I could conquer the world, until I sit down. Maybe it’s just from being sick. I expect a lot out of myself! Sometimes that’s not good! God is still good and still on the throne! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️I think I am mentally exhausted from everything!

Good evening. Tuesday blog! I guess if you sit tight and ride out any storm, peace and calm will come, all by itself! Maybe tears turn into smiles more often. Maybe you can look at pictures, cry if you must, but not feel destroyed! Maybe you catch yourself smiling more for no reason. Maybe you can turn a TV show on and actually laugh. Maybe you can remember laughter with the one you loved so much, and not cry, only think of the wonderful memories attached to every part of my life. Maybe you can have a fleeting thought, what if? Just a thought. Maybe grief is showing a whole knew side. They are only thoughts. But, I am allowing myself to think. That’s a first in quite a while. God is patient, good and kind, He will guard my path and place whatever He wants in my life! He will also keep me safe in all things! My thoughts have to rest in Him! Because, I love you Jesus! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Life is so complicated! Sometimes I think I am going to choke on it. Yet, my God is right beside me. Denny and I in younger days. Our 4 kids and Denny’s last 6 months! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. Do not live in fear and worry. Jesus is first and foremost in all we do and seek to do. I want a calm mind and heart when I lay down on my pillow! That’s not easy, since the evening is my worse time. It takes a lot of talking to God after my cry. I don’t know how many think of the transition of taking care of your spouse for 7 years. We were in the same bed for 45 years. Nights are hard. I am thankful that I have a twin bed now. A little less painful. Then COVID-19 on top. I was not fearful for me. But, for my family. Praise God everyone is surfacing from quarantine without any problems! Isolation was good for me where getting lots of rest was concerned! I still cannot taste or smell. I do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I do not want to live in fear or worry. I go to the Dr. on Tuesday. Give it to God and close your eyes! He is the supplier of all things, big and small, sadness and happiness, the giver of life and death whether you want to face it or not. I miss my husband so much. I only have God when I go to bed, to poor my heart out. He is the One to tell it all to. God is so good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. I have to get to bed for church. I had a wonderful day. Gods blessings were everywhere! Enjoy your Sunday, the day of rest! Good night. God bless. ❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. In these very uncertain times, sometimes we don’t think before we act. I ask myself that every day, What In The World. I have no answer. Only God holds the answers to all of these mysteries. I try to wait patiently. That is a tall order when it hurts so much. Some days are definitely better than others. Really every day is good, if you are giving it all to God! As we should. 39 weeks out, I thought Grief would take on a different feeling! It’s every bit as painful. Crying is still crying. Hurting still hurts. I am able to dry it up and keep moving. Walking is certainly my go to, to give me strength in my low times! I need to get some warm clothing. I plan on walking all winter. Which has been my goal every year! A little road trip to Napoleon today, shake and tea always at the nutrition shop. The best part, laughter all the way with my daughter. I miss my kids so much, and laughter in our Butler St. house! Denny had such a hardy laugh. Right from the belly. Life is still good, God is still good, it’s just different. I am going to say it again, no matter what your age, if you have a spouse wrap your arms around them tight, don’t let go. One of you will be taken at some point in time. Precious time is what I miss! There is no one that can come close to what Denny was to me. I feel so lost without him, again, I know that is not true. Some days I feel like I am coming apart at the seems. All feelings. Feelings get in the way. No one can prepare you for this kind of hurt! And yet, my life is good. I’m breathing, I survived COVID-19. I believe with all my heart, it’s because I am in good shape! My moms in good shape, same house, she did not get it. So, God is good and I do not deserve what He did at Calvary for me, only me. Thank you Jesus for letting me whine once again. Your shoulders are so big! I love you! I miss you Denny until I am blind with it. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. I tried and tried to write last evening! I was just plain tired. I went back to work today! I love my families that I clean for! Walked the past two evenings. After getting ready for bed, memory pictures came up. He looks so sad and he was home. His beautiful eyes tear my heart out! Sometimes I miss him so much I can’t breathe! Sometimes I feel like a fool! I hate that feeling! Good thing God loves me the way I am, right where I am. I’m just plain sad tonight! It will pass! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good morning. Thursday blog. Sorry no blog last night, I was so tired. Starting back to work today. I have a couple of days open, if anyone would like some holiday cleaning. Have a fantastic day. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Many of us on the Widow path, we don’t hear a lot of anything. Nobody knows that path or what to say about it. Not until you slip on those shoes. If I had not learned positive choices and how to make positive decisions, I would be buried in depression. Denny would say things about death, while I tried to maintain positivity. It is a choice. I would say, you do not know that, God could take me home first. Let’s just enjoy whatever amount of time God gives us! Positive or not, it was hardest not to fall apart in front of him. So, we are 38 weeks out. I can scarcely believe that amount of time. I’m still smiling, I’m still breathing, I’m still doing. With the COVID-19 rearing it’s ugly and scary head everywhere. You would think that seniors would have a certain amount of common sense, more than teenagers. It seems not. I thought being with seniors would be safe. Going to sporting events every week. I was with family on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, always in my mask. Got home maybe 3 or 4 hours later. I started shivering, that has always been a sign for me, fever. It was already over 101. I called my kids. My daughter in law took me on Sunday, the next day, for the test. I went on Monday morning, bloodwork and chest X-ray. Both clear. I thought I was in the green. Monday and Tuesday I walked 6 miles each day, I felt great. I made cupcakes and a B-day cake for grandkids. Wednesday morning I was already for bowling. That’s when the call came, you are positive. I thought I was going to pass out, I felt sick. My other symptoms, no smell or taste. It is not back yet! The health department called, they are very thorough. My head was on backwards. I was cocky enough to think, my test will be negative. Family was upset with me, and I don’t blame them. My biggest prayer from the time this started, right after Denny passed, was for my family to be safe. My mom at 87 and my great grandson at 10 months. I put them at risk. It was traced back to the bowling alley. Today it was shut down. Five cases, positive, with masks, except the one giving the virus. Don’t think it can’t happen. God will show you different. All of the baking, right in the trash. I am not contagious now, only with the fever. Isolation for me and quarantine for mom. Hard lesson learned! So, tonight I chose for my blog to be positive, if you are waiting out COVID-19. Lots of sleep and lots of water, God saw me through. He forgave me my carelessness. My blog from the beginning was about sharing my heart, with what we were facing. Now, over a year and a half, I have covered a lot of ground. I pray on my knees at night, for a good restful night of sleep, I choose happy, joy and positivity. I feel mine was mild, because I am healthy from walking. That is my COVID-19 story. Mine has ended, I know that is not the case for so many. My heart breaks for all. God and prayer, that’s my only path. I still face the pain of grief everyday. God is good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I have shared before how quickly something can change when you let your guard down, when you are not looking! Somethings can be painful and somethings can be a surprise out of nowhere. Patience and putting it all in Gods hands. Those are key and should not be forgotten. God says, be still and know that I am God. He is still and always the One in control of this whole painful world, that is so hard to understand! My hand is in His! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. Every day my eyes are opened wider than the day before. I might hurt a little more. I might still be crying. Each tear makes me stronger. I will not give up, nor will I give in. Prayer is the only tool, prayer is your only weapon. Cling to God, His promises and His plans for me are perfect. I rest in Him! Prayer is my armor and shield to fight the uglies that lurk around us. God is still good. Only He can change the heart of man. Good night. God bless.❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. I just want to rest in Gods arms. Grant me peace that passes all understanding. You are my guide, with all of the promises I need, to see me through each minute of everyday. I am human. I don’t always have or use common sense. That doesn’t mean I’m uncaring, neglectful or not loving. If anything, I am more in tune and way too sensitive. I want all of the things that God alone has for me. He loves me regardless of my faults. That’s why I need Him every minute! He is the One who holds me together, my gum, my glue, my Velcro. I am 0- zero without Him. He will hold me together, He will heal me in all areas of life. I know I am nothing without God. Thank you God in Heaven for all you do for me and all You give me. I am nothing apart from you. Poor your strength on me, to take me through this life. You are my compass. I will rise above. I place all in your hands. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. That was a short vacation. Just enough to let me see and know how much I missed all of you. Sharing a couple of images. God is good. Goodnight. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. Everybody needs a break. I have been on FB since 2010, without a break. Nows the time. My family and I need a new focus for a while! I will miss all of you. I will be back. Much love to all of you. Thank you for your support in all I do. I really appreciate all of you! God is good. His timing is first. Good night for a while. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. I am extremely late tonight! Grief! It flies in and out, like a beautiful bird! You say goodbye, but, did you really? It keeps showing up. No timetable, no timeframe. My only solace, is God. My shield, my protector against unwanted things that can cut a grieving person to shreds! Who does that? Someone that is not healthy for you. Walk away! Strength will come back, I know the way to joy, happiness and peace that passes all understanding. Those are my choices, nothing else. God will show me when the time is right! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I am telling you all again. I don’t care what is going on between you and family. It shouldn’t matter how far away one lives from family. You only get one time around, ONE! I have shared before, I have had some real ugly touch my life. Because I held it in for so long, I was the one who suffered, not anybody else. Once I let go of the hold that had on me, I was able to forgive and heal. My youngest cousin passed away in Florida, his kids are hurting, as well as his siblings! I’m telling you, with what our family went through these past 7 years, life can change in an instant. It’s not healthy to live in regret, take care of things with the living, so that does not happen. Regret is wicked! You know time marches on, it gets away from you. When a family member passes, like a close cousin growing up. We were together all the time. Our mothers were sisters. We did everything together. Every holiday, we went Halloweening together every year. The mind floods with memories that sting the eyes for how fast time went. He always took mom, my sister and I to breakfast before heading back to Florida. My heart is hurting for his family. He was a believer, I am sure he and Denny have crossed paths already. God rest his soul. You never think of the youngest of the bunch going first. Gods timing, so different from ours! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening! Sunday blog. I would ask that you continue to pray for my unspoken request. My soul is weary. I miss Denny so much, sometimes I feel I could die from it! I have faith, I know where he is. Not one person can relate to what I am saying, unless you are on this path. Only God understands! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. God is good, no matter what, He has this whole world and every single person in His hands. I shared on FB. I have an unspoken request. Thank you. Love to all of you. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. Loss for words tonight! I’ll be back tomorrow. It’s ok, to not be ok. God is good! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. What a blessing my day was. Started at 4:00am again. That is my natural alarm. I was not going to walk, that did not feel right, so I did. Work at 9:30am. For those of you that do not know where I work, for myself. I clean houses and I love it! A sense of satisfaction when I am done! It works for me. Went to Kohl’s, gift card. Stopped to Bob Evans, gift card. Went to my sons. Found out the soccer game and football game were not at the same time. Went to Woodmore with family, my little great grandson, with the big blue eyes! Then over to Lake for soccer. Almost 9:30pm when I got home. My Beagle still has separation anxiety. Misses me when I am not here! Poor baby. I only got to see my granddaughter one time in the Clay Band this season. I love them all so much. Their Papa would be so proud! I say I had a full day. Not without tears, but full of love and making memories! God is good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️The little guy in the upper left corner, was my date all evening. All of their precious faces! Thank you Lord for all of my beautiful babies!💗💗💙💗💙💙❤️Thank you Denny, for our beautiful family!❤️I love you!❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I walked 4 miles this morning, I made two different kind of muffins, I bowled three games and I have been up since four. I want to go to bed. Forgive me. I work tomorrow, then, soccer game at Lake High. Have a great night, and sleep tight. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Decorated outside yesterday for Fall and Halloween. One of my favorite things to do. I feel if it makes my heart happy, it must do that for others, I hope. In 2013 when Denny was in the hospital for 9 weeks, our daughter came over. She knows I like decorating. She was so happy that I still did it, with no one home. I didn’t have a doggie then either! I was a mess his first 2 years of illness. So thankful for the help I got. Hospitals do not let you decorate. Nursing homes do. His first stay was my birthday and before Christmas. It is still Jesus birthday and it was mine. We had pizza and cake and family. Family being most important. Nativity and tree in his room. Kingston was some birthdays, our anniversary, Valentines, our sons B-day, my heart baby, St. Patrick’s. Decorated Halloween at Otterbein. Some don’t get it. But, it makes me happy. I have never not decorated for special occasions, no matter what was going on. Last December Denny came home from the hospital on my birthday and our precious granddaughter had her baby boy on my B-day. How special he is! We were pretty sure Denny would not see another Christmas. What if I would have said, I just can’t decorate. Never. Unless I can’t move. He got to see Christmas and his family. It was a rough day. Christmas decorating, is for the celebration of Jesus birth. Just those words keep me going. He came, born of a virgin, to save me. I will not forget how far I have come through this ordeal. Denny is gone from us, we will have that great reunion down the road. Jesus is with me everywhere. He sees, feels, hears and knows everything I feel, every tear that falls, everyday. Sometimes His presence is so clear to me. He is always here for us. I am resting in His promises! Thank you Lord Jesus! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. When I am laughing, it’s sincere laughing, the kind that hurts the rib cage. As soon as I hit my room, an ocean of tears, the kind that make your breathing stop and my heart hurts! I posted a little bit ago, Memory Lane should be visited together. Remember when? Followed by lots of laughter. I loved when he laughed, his face would light up, thinking back over the years. When Susan came home to see her dad, before the end, he was very coherent about the past, the kids growing up, our vacations to Canada. We were all surprised to hear him talk of Memory Lane. Just the words, Memory Lane, sound so beautiful. If it’s packed with good things. I believe ours was. I never thought about how painful it would be missing him. It’s torture. But yet I see the other side, as I wait my turn! For a day is marked for all of us! I do not fear that day, when God says it’s time! I love the Lord, He is my healer and protector. Denny is covered with that perfect love and I want the same! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. When the kids were older we went out to eat every Sunday, at a different restaurant. After church. After empty nest came down the road. Sunday’s were ours. Dinners out and rides in the car. I would always take his hand and tell him how much I loved him, he said, you do? Kind of a flirt between us. As he got sick, I told him constantly how much I loved him, we all loved him, what a great provider he had always been. He would work his knuckles off, to give to us. He was a giver, straight from his heart. He did not believe me and felt he should have done better. My Denny was a very humble man. Going to church without him is hard. I am at church for the right reasons. The music and everything really pulls at my heart, then my heart comes out of my eyes! Sometimes I go to eat by myself. Today I grocery shopped after church and picked up salads for mom and I! Another busy week. Some days are harder than others. Sunday is one of them. Him in heaven, me here. Really, it will only be the blink of an eye! That’s how fast time goes! Time for bed. Beagle goes to the Vet tomorrow and a bath, if I can squeeze it in. God is good. I have not forgotten, Sunday is the Lords day always! His plan for me is perfect. I just need to keep my heart open! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. This is the title of my new group. I am not finished setting it up, but, it is up to look at. I am just sharing this quickly. I am off to bed! I have been tired all day. I did take Beagle for a ride, for ice cream. She goes crazy, she loves to get in the car. So, I need some sleep before walking and church! I hope to be sharing my heart on grief, with other grievers. Especially those of us who have lost spouses. But, I welcome anyone who is grieving. It is a rough road. My journey is still just starting. If they were taken suddenly or you had 7 years of holding that in your heart, it is all painful. I still cannot describe it. I don’t even like the name widow. I pray for my mind and heart to be open to all things where grief, love, acceptance, the whole package, is concerned. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. October is awareness, for this very real and painful loss and the grief we suffer alone. Nobody wants to talk about it. I had a miscarriage at 4 months along, in April of 1971. Guess what? When I left the hospital, it was was never mentioned what I went through, at 18. I miscarried in the middle of the night with a wonderful nurse by my side. I had the pleasure of going to school with her daughter! I have since told that classmate how wonderful her mom was. My husband at that time. Got rid of the baby things before I came home! The loss of that baby was never mentioned by anyone, except for one family member, that said, in the hospital. Where’s yours! That took time to forgive. I had my son the following year. Remarried, had a miscarriage at only 6 weeks. We had our daughter that same year. Denny and I spoke to each other about our pain and loss and I have always been thankful for my two children. They had two more siblings! I think you all get my point. How many, countless couples went through this? I know some, I know there are many more. How many stories have been swept under the rug? Right up there with mental illness! Please get help, but don’t tell anyone. You cannot make people aware of anything if you don’t open your mouth! I am so tired of these painful issues in life, being treated like a bump in the night! I will be the town crier for anyone or anything, if it helps someone! So, pray for each other. You do not know what many have faced alone, because of the stigma of ignorance! That’s my rant tonight for innocent babies that have never been acknowledged. I have 4 children from my body. Two live in heaven. Thank you Lord! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. I walked this morning, I worked today, got a bite to eat, stopped for some groceries, and went to my grandsons football game. The other grandson was away for soccer. I do love being able to do all and get it done. Smile, laugh, good conversation. All of these great, but not healing. Not yet anyway. I fall apart every night, while my mind is thinking of all of the wonderful things I’m doing. I feel like two people. One wants to be normal and one wants to hide. Grief is very confusing! I’ll just keep moving forward. Trying to make sense of it all, but yet knowing it all. Just keep giving it to God, I say it over and over. My mind still knows all of the right things to do, at night, my heart takes over and breaks again! I don’t think I am whining, I am hurting. Lord please! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. As full as my heart is with sadness and tears, it’s just as full with thankfulness! I have been missing in action long before Denny passed! I know I pulled away from life! I wanted every possible moment I could grab with Denny. Holding his hands, touching his face, saying I love you! I just wanted to shut out the whole world. A picture from Otterbein popped up today. Bringing it all back. Yet still, my days are full. I threw some strikes today, which is rare. Every time I said Denny, this ones for you! You have to stay light hearted. I am not giving in. God scoops me up every night and I hear Him, Marilyn, you will be ok! I believe Him! Promises! I love you Lord! Thank you for all things, even cleansing tears! I belong to God first, Denny second! I had a great day! I thank all of you again for your continuous support and prayers! I do feel the strength. I cannot ask for more. My mom makes sure I eat and sleep. We are doing well. I am thankful for all of you in the wings! Of course my children and grandchildren make sure we are ok! I love all of you, family and friends everywhere. My life is good! God is good! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. It is still running. The needle goes up and down. The nurse asked me today, how you doing? I said, the waves have not stopped! I don’t know when or if they will ever stop! I know what I did and had in place before Denny passed. I’m not going to say that made it easy, it’s not! For 7 years we watched that disease take him more everyday, bits and pieces. For 48 hours we watched and heard death hanging over us. When it happened, I couldn’t breathe. I felt the loss so deeply, I thought I would die from it! Of course these are all thoughts and feelings of grief! I am not dying, the pain makes me feel that deeply. I cry every single day, sometimes it’s severe. It stops on its own, as fast as it started! I have the ability to overcome this pain. By all accounts my therapists and Drs. think I am doing great. There is always the shock in the beginning! To get you through. I wrote two pages on the morning of the funeral. Our daughter read and so did I. We cracked a little. The strength that day of the funeral came from God. I asked Him for strength and He gave it! He is the one in control. My strength comes from the Lord! The morning after the funeral, I walked 5 miles. Nothing in my life has stopped because of negativity or depression. I have been writing for a year and a half. It helps me. I made it through the pandemic. I have been to the grandchildren’s sporting events. I go to church, I stop and eat before I go to the next church. I am bowling again. Still baking whatever I want, whenever something is needed. I do laundry, keep my room clean, bed made. I eat, I’m not starving. I say my life is like anyone else’s! It’s full , God at the top. Only thing different, Grief was tossed into my mix, wether I wanted it or not. My crying does not take me down. Because I have the choice, let sadness destroy me or continue to choose joy and happiness everyday in the midst of tears! So my meter is not broken. God controls it and I grab those promises. So, I put grief in writing now and again hoping and praying that one word will help someone see Gods love and promises. So I can live eternally with Denny! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Just one of those days. I’m thinking, a little bit of burnout. I did not accomplish very much today. Although I should not say that. 2 loads of wash and walked 6 miles and took beautiful pictures, that Buzz on the Bay likes. Tomorrow, my busy starts all over again. Busy keeps my mind on other things, besides sadness, tears and missing Denny. I was cleaning up my sewing and mom screamed about the golden trees. They were stunning. I ran for my phone. When I got outside, there it was, a huge rainbow. It looked like I could touch it. I called my cousin Bobby. I said come outside, there is a huge rainbow! It stuck around for quite awhile. We took lots of pictures! Is anything more beautiful and miraculous than a rainbow? I have not seen it! Takes me to Gods promises every single time! I think we all know by now how exciting I think the sky is. Rainbow tops the list of beauty. When I see the sky like that, in all of its glory. I cannot even imagine what it looks like on the other side, from Heaven. I cannot wait. I shall share my pictures! Sweet dreams everyone. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. I googled this today. It’s a beautiful flower, from bulbs, that are very unique. Picture at the end. I worked on cookies this morning from 4:00 am to 9:00 am. That’s cleanup, boxing. All that good stuff. I even made it to church, only to have missed half. Time changed. If I heard it, I don’t remember. I did get a lot out of that half hour! Didn’t get to go to other church, because of the wedding shower. Losing your spouse is a real eye opener in so many ways. Denny and I have a blended family. His girls were 8 and 9 when we met. Of course their mom comes with the package! I looked forward to seeing her today. We have some things in common where are families are concerned! Children, grandchildren.That does not stop, just because Denny’s gone. My heart just kept saying today, love, love, love! No matter what, no matter who. Kindness should flow to every single person. Even exes. Those of us who have them, should at least be respectful. I want the love of Jesus to show in me. I know that’s a stretch. We should not stop striving. I examine my heart everyday. I am not perfect and never will be, until I get to Heaven. We still must do right. I want Jesus, I want heaven, so I can be with Denny. Today was a great family, altogether day! Some were missing, spreading their love for their great niece. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog! Couple more dozen to get done in the morning. Wedding Shower is at 2:00pm. Not to worry, I always get done. I am excited to relax with family! Talk to you all tomorrow night! God is good. I need some sleep! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. What a great day I had! Got up, super early. Worked on cookies, squeezed in a walk. Got ready for bowling. These people know how to have fun. DooWop music while we bowl. Oh how I wish Denny were here! Just plain fun! Got home, took a break. Went over to Maumee Bay to line up for a drive by parade for my Aunt and Uncle, who are married 72 years today. So much fun, great turn out. Park officers shut down traffic. A sheriff, fire truck, and rescue squad lead the way. Turned on lights and sirens, horns blowing! What an honor! Mom and I got perch take out, they gave Beagle a piece of chicken. Tomorrow morning soccer. I love busy, busy day, full of all kinds of love! I saw a lot of family tonight, that I love beyond words. Some cousins live out of state, most live here! We all stay in touch. I love them all, like brothers and sisters! We know we can count on each other. Love lines of communication. Yesterday was the same, spent half of the day with my granddaughter, then football, which I shared last night! I already had my evening cry. I am off to bed. More decorating before soccer. When I get home, the decorating finale! Delivery on Sunday, church and granddaughter wedding shower! I would say, I am keeping busy! God is my happy and joy, giver of all good. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️