Marilyn’s Heart

Good evening. Wednesday blog! I try to plan my days enough, so my mind is not wandering all over the place. Today I compared my heart to a bouncing ball, all over the place. That does not mean that I can’t get anything done. Because I do. Walking always comes first. No thinking about it. Yesterday, FT Dr. appt. therapy. B-12 shot, Beagle went along and we were off to the groomer. That took us to Bob Evans to pick up salads for mom and I. Today after walking, breakfast with 3 of my kiddos. Spent the afternoon separating and cropping pictures! I’d be lying if I said I did not cry. I did. They all have memories attached. Songs pull heart strings! I am not against crying, it’s still very painful. Just can’t do it all day. That would lead to other issues. I go to bed, turn out the light, tell Denny good night, a good cry and off to sleep. Stuff like that. I cannot act like he did not exist. Sometimes I can talk about him, no problem. Over thinking, not good. Starting my day early, started with walking early. There is no better time. Then home and hospital stays, I was there early, when Denny woke up. Its just the norm for me now. As Denny became sicker, I got up earlier to take care of me first and of course time with God. It’s 21 days to form new habits! Early is a good fit for me. So, get up, give your day to God. You never know what might happen! God is so good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. With the way the whole world is right now. How does one not live in fear? God clearly says that worry and fear are wrong choices for life. Sin. You cannot add one extra day to your life by worrying. Fear and worry are exhausting! I really just came through the worst, most painful time in my life. I did have to let go and let God every single day! I didn’t have time for that kind of thinking. I just poured my heart out to my journal after Denny went to sleep. Not one of us can change one thing, about what’s going on. It doesn’t matter how it started, where it came from. It is no respecter of anyone or age! God is in control and He alone has the answers. I am respecting the law, my moms feelings and I wear my mask without a fuss. But, quite frankly, if it’s my time, it’s in Gods hands. I decided quite awhile ago watching my husband, I want to leave this world gracefully. None of us knows how or when. I am not afraid to die. Especially when I know who is waiting for me. I allowed a lot of garbage in our life and Denny too. Bipolar can make some real crazy. I am not offended by my own words! One thing remained for Denny and I. We never stopped loving each other, we believed in each other. We knew that Jesus could restore us. What we didn’t know, is what he chooses to restore us. We found our love stronger than ever, till death, through illness! That is a bitter pill.. But, we swallowed it. I could sit around and cry with regret, it’s not going to bring him back or honor him. Plus, love does not die. I have pictures, memories and witnesses to prove it. Our family! God grace is sufficient, even for me! I rest in Jesus. I want a peaceful life in Jesus. I can not control the world and what is going on around me. My job, to control myself, my choices and how I see others and treat others. Regardless of race, gender, other people’s life choices are none of my business. It’s all in Gods hands. Do you remember the song? He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands! I love that song. God is good. God has a lot to say about rest in Him. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I have been reading this book. It is excellent. Why did it take me so long to start it. It all makes perfect sense. When applied along the way to honor our loved one! I’m not going to lie, the past two days, I gave into some depression. I didn’t like it and almost did it again today. That would be one more battle on top of battling grief! Today is 27 weeks in Heaven. I miss that man. I got out my journal from the past year. I made reference more than once, that I would not be able to go on without him! Well that is simply not true, I’m sitting here. Feelings! I was in some deep pain in the evenings, writing after he was asleep. I really want to go to bed. So, I have some images to share. I hope thought provoking. God is still good. I will say good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️. First image is part of the book cover.

Good evening. Sunday blog! I even hesitated to share this tonight, its part of our story, it can’t be left out. All of you that are married, have life partners, however or whatever way you are connected to the love of your life. I cannot stress it enough, I am not an expert, I am speaking from a broken heart, that ran out of time to keep telling him how very much he meant to me. Whatever your story, do not let hurtful pride keep you from making each day count! Today, I have thought about everything that started happening one year ago. It will be one year on August 17th, I came home from walking and he was down. 102 fever. He tried to get up. It was a long Autumn. This day is also our daughters Birthday. Take care of the one you tell everyday that you love! We take care of our babies from the time they are born. They can make some pretty big messes. I learned a lot taking care of Denny those last months of his life. I realize there are circumstances. I already told mom, no home. My children any of them or their spouses, I will take care of them. God forbid. If they let me. God willing. I think today has been my roughest day. Thinking about that day. My Denny suffered, we witnessed it and he never complained, he had style and grace. He was the one apologizing all the time, to all of us. I told our daughter, dad was like a fine wine, he became better with age. He was truly remarkable, and I got to witness what a gift he was every day. Thank you God for giving me the power to care for him. Life is not fair and I know that. I know Denny was made whole when he took that last breath. I saw it on his face. He was an Angel, that’s why I nicknamed him Angel Wings! Good night. God bless. The family picture I am sharing tonight was our 25th Wedding Anniversary at our church.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. My title here has a lot written about. Just the words bring a certain amount of peace. I read that happiness is not a goal, it’s a by-product of a life well lived! Eleanor Roosevelt, a smart woman. Denny and I did not always choose happiness, we let circumstances get in the way of us! Wrong turns, not knowing where to turn. Guilt and regret. If I chose to live with those two things, I could destroy myself, quickly. When all is said and done, all you can do is forgive and forgive again. The way God forgives us. Once God forgives, He never brings it up again. It’s gone. God wants us to treat each other that way. Do not keep a list of wrongs. It can destroy you and your relationship. God does not pick and choose who to forgive or not to forgive. It’s a free will we have. So simple, not! Your heart and mind can become very dark. Especially if you think you have been wronged over and over. Everything has to be dealt with. I like to call it, cleaning out boo boos.What happens if something is not cleaned? It festers and gets infected. Once you start to clean it, it starts to heal from the inside out. When Denny passed in January, we had long covered forgiveness! Things can come back to haunt. I sent all of the other stuff away with him! I want my boo boos to stay clean. I only think of our good memories. I believe Denny had a life well lived with what he had to give. He was a giver. Ask any of the kids! Life is what we make it. We make it hard. It’s not, when God is in the center of it all. Peace like a river! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I have walked throughout my life many times, never giving it a chance to show me benefits. Always quitting. Entering recovery, I started replacing negatives with positives! As I moved through the program, I started seeing and feeling the benefits of a healthy lifestyle mentally, physically and spiritually! At that point in time for me, all 3 go hand in hand. Denny was already sick for 2 years, I kept telling myself, you can’t be sick too! Especially my mental state of mind. August 15th will be 5 years since I started walking! I never believed what sticking to something healthy for me, would do for me! Walking makes me happy. I do not give myself any time to think negatively before I leave in the morning. I grab a cup of coffee, make my bed, jump in my clothes and out the door. Getting that extra walk in tonight was brutal. I hate walking in the sun! I am not sad when I walk. I talk to God and to Denny. I envision him on a cloud. Drinking in all of that beauty over there is good for all parts of me. It definitely gave me strength to take care of him. Walking is a good part of me now, one I do not want to give up, unless I become physically unable. Walking is where I want to be. I feel centered. If that makes sense. Not to mention the healthy things it does for me. If you are not an exerciser, start out small. Take a walk around the block or down the street! I don’t think about grief when I’m walking, like a break. Find what works for you, baby steps to everything. God is good, He has been so good to me. I thank God always for the life He gave us together. We were not always obedient, certainly not perfect. Our perfect God, gave us a wonderful life, with all kinds of memories! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. What does missing a person mean? What happened to absence makes the heart grow fonder. That’s a lie. I tell my head every right thing everyday. It’s my heart that is not cooperating. How does the heart follow the mind or do I have it backwards? I made a list, pros and cons of Grief. That sounds like a book. I don’t think I’m going to get any better books than the two I have. Heartbroken, Healing From The Loss Of A Spouse and Transcending Loss. I am not done with that one yet. A quote from the book, Death doesn’t end the relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship—one based not on physical presence but on memory, spirit and love……. Doesn’t that make perfect sense? It does. I just have to keep urging my heart to go in the right direction. I don’t want to skip any of the steps that move in the right way to healthy grief. So, books, journals, classes, groups, conversation with other widows. It’s hard to tell myself these things every minute. Sometimes I feel like I’m turning my back on him. I know those are lies, but they creep in anyway. Above all, staying in the word brings great hope for the day that I will see him again. Strong and disciplined. I feel like I am whining every night, I’m not. These words reinforce me everyday. I want to be strong and down the road an example when others come to that road! I hope that makes sense. I don’t want to be all over the map! On the positive side, another 7 miles this morning, I worked today, trying to stay on the healthy side of nutrition. These are pluses. Grief to be continued till I reach where I am supposed to be. Good night God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I read something or hear something about grief everyday. The person I am now, grieving the loss of Denny, has to come to terms with the person I was when Denny was here! Back and forth, like two people, playing tug of war. I feel like grief is going to destroy me, it’s not. I think I move around my day pretty good! My heart and mind, just plain hurts! The first image tonight was shared on the grief group. I asked her if I could use it. This really describes grief, as I know it right now! God is still good. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Last evening, before sleep, I wrote a poem. I have not written any in awhile. Sometimes words flow, sometimes nothing.

Oh my Denny, love of my life, I could not wait to be your wife. A lot happened in 42 years, now everyday, I think of you with tears. Tears for the past, that can never be changed, tears for the present, there is nothing to rearrange, and tears for the future, that you will never see. While tears in my eyes, keep falling from me. I miss you so much, with each falling tear, if I could wish you back, I would keep you here. I know these are fantasies, I create in my mind, if only I had known, we were running out of time. Time passed quickly, for you and I, as I think of the day, we said goodbye. Heaven, is your new home, while you wait for me. The day God calls my name, we will be together again, for all of eternity!❤️❤️

I miss you and love you. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog! We all in this family, struggle on Monday’s. Denny passed away on a Monday in January, which was the 27th. We count by every Monday. Date wise it’s the 27th, 6 months today! It seems so long, and yet, seems like yesterday. Everyday, I miss him more!. Everything that I continue to do, I remember when we did it all together! I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his notes, I miss the way he would just stare at me. I have not sat down to just watch TV since he passed. We watched TV together. Thank you God for saving me each day. Without you, I would have given up. I know you have a plan for me! I will try to be patient, they say it’s a virtue. I am sharing my post from this morning! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. Got my first day down for my 50 mile week. Spent an hour in the sun, way to hot. Went to the store, picked up early supper. Invited to the granddaughters pool. A date with my little man. He is so precious! Instantly, I was with family. It’s always great when I am with grandkids and kids. We talked about the whole mask thing. Personally, I think everything should be shut down, until it’s brought under control.You know it was not that long ago, a neighbor would do anything for you! Now, a neighbor won’t even put on a mask to help a neighbor stay alive! It’s sad! My daughter and daughter-in-law are both teachers, if their students do not wear masks, they are at risk, then they go home and that’s how it spreads. It does not take a genius to figure that out! Put your mask on. Someone, somewhere, your family and your friends are depending on it! Please! God is still good, even through all of this, He remains the same! He would wear a mask for you. Can’t you do it for Him, in obedience! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️The 10 Commandments in plain English.❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog! The winds of change are upon us and all around us. I don’t listen to the news very often. It’s like a broken record, only thing that changes, are the number of lives it keeps taking! Denny and I unfortunately had a lot of changes in our life, before, after, and during our marriage. One thing remained through all of our life, love. Trust was broken and ruined, more than once. We were both messed up, from divorce. Years later, both bipolar, addictions. I am a recovered gambling addict. As Denny’s diagnosis became a reality, in the physical, mine became a reality, in the mental. No cure for Parkinson’s. I needed to get my act together. Winds of change all around us! Going to the addiction Center downtown and group therapy with all addictions, was a real eye opener! Best thing I have ever done. We do group now on Zoom! One on one therapy, on the phone, really just to touch base. I am 5 years without gambling. I changed a lot, with Gods help, in a short space of time. So, one of my changes was getting going on exercise. August 15th will be my 5th walking anniversary. I do put myself in the serious walking category! I can do 6 miles almost everyday, if I want to. So, I had a goal in the city, I wanted a 50 mile week. I only reached 48, yes I was disappointed, but not a failure! I am ready to try it again. Tomorrow is the starting day. I am excited. It’s never to late to incorporate new things. Walking gives me great benefits in a lot of medical areas! I just love it. Winds of change does not stop. I am so thankful for healthy coping skills that I am still learning. In the past 10 years, Denny and I had 7 major surgeries between us, 4 were joint replacement, 1, a gastric bypass for me, he had numerous hospital and rehab stays. We packed up our 5 bedroom, city home, came back to my childhood 2 bedroom home. I have lost 115 lbs. our daughter married in that time frame. And my Denny just passed away in January. Parkinson’s for 7 years. Praise God and coping skills. That’s a lot of 10’s on the stress scale. I’m sure I left somethings out! Life is full of change, you learn to cope or drown. Grief and pain over losing Denny to such an awful disease, is constant. I’m going forward not backward. Thank you so much for listening. Good night. God bless. ❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog! I think about heaven everyday! Since that is Denny’s new home! When I am walking around all sad and gloomy. Why? He is in such a better place! I keep telling my heart that, it’s not listening! I was doing really good today. I finished my book, Heartbroken, Loss of a Spouse. What a good book! I can’t say enough about it. I went to the store and bang, came a song that did me in. That’s not going to stop. It’s how I handle it! I got to see my Little Man on FaceTime tonight. He always puts a smile on my face. That’s because he is so happy, such a big smile. Love him so. I miss my grandkids so much. 3 of them are 15 this year. That’s a very busy age, add a little Covid-19 to the mix. I miss them! Life is moving so fast, it makes me dizzy! I am extremely thankful that I have not had any mental setbacks. No depression. Still doing all of my appointments online. Except the B-12. I don’t like to wish time away, but, the 2 grief classes I do are starting, early August! Can’t wait! God is good! I have been so tired today. Let’s call it a night! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. With everything our family has been through these past 7 years, has truly drawn us back and closer to the Lord! My walk with Him came back through recovery! I couldn’t do any of that in my own strength. I still have people, family, tell me how strong they think I am. I had a cousin say at the funeral dinner, I wish I had your faith. I have never thought of myself in that way! I asked God to come back into my life in March, 2016. Instantly, I knew, I would not go through this alone! He is my constant go to! I love my whole family so much! Everything I have been able to do, comes from the Lord! Let it go, put your trust in the Lord. His promises are true. When I feel lonely in here, at night or morning! I am not alone. Jesus says everyday, here I am, I am all you need. Call on the name of the Lord and He will give you strength. I tried life with out God, after I already knew Him. I sank deeper into despair everyday. I didn’t even know who I was. I praise God everyday, sun up, till sun down for helping me take care of Denny. The last gift I could give him! I am nothing apart from the Lord! Nor do I want to be! Life hurts, life is not fair! I have been hurt by people, I have hurt myself and I have hurt others! You are never to far gone, give it to God, maker of heaven and earth! My help comes from the Lord! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog.

The club no one asked for. To join, you have to suffer loss! Who would sign up for that? Membership is automatic, after losing someone you love. For clarity, we are not here by choice, it’s not exclusive! The only comfort, we are not alone! We can choose to reach out, and be open, if someone reaches out to us! I think we can all find comforting words for someone in pain. Both sides of the fence can be comforted. I know for me, I want to comfort other widows! “The Grief Club” is also a lonely club. Friends that still have their spouses or partners, don’t know what to say, and that’s ok. I have been there also. No words! Words are not comforting anyway. You cannot talk this kind of pain away. Not now or 10 years from now. I am resigned to the fact, this is my new way of life. I don’t have to like it. I am in Gods hands,and it’s not my time. I found myself through recovery, outside of Denny then, and our family, it is the best thing I have ever done and chose to do. It gave me and showed me a clear path to what we were facing together and what I wanted and needed to do for him, Denny. God has been our lead. I need him every minute. No regrets! Regret is crippling. One could get stuck there. When the waves of pain seem unbearable, ride the waves out, it doesn’t last. Calm waters always come back, until the next wave. A ripple or a tsunami, it does not last. I don’t let it take over! There was a time, a long period of time, I thought and felt, if anything happened to Denny, I would die from it, my life would be over! That simply is not true. Praise God for healing power. My lifeline, my anchor, my life preserver. God keeps me safe from drowning! I just want all of you, spouse, partner, significant other to know, I would never wish this on anyone. But, we all know one of us will face it. It’s pain that cuts like a chainsaw. I cannot stress enough, appreciate the person you are with. Cherish them. Even with their imperfections, no one is perfect. You must have been a perfect fit. Percentage wise, even the marriages and unions together, that are not happy, grieve and are in pain. Then add regret, guilt, and the never ending what if? That will never be answered. We only get one life, it’s only to far gone when you stop breathing. I had my recovery appointment with my therapist on FaceTime. Everything has a reason, might not find out anything until Heaven. I have no regrets! I got well, I took care of Denny, like I promised. I miss him with everything in me. That disease was the path God put us on, Denny’s pain is over and ours will remain with us until we are joined together by God! This to shall pass. His plan is perfect. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. I think FB is pretty cool, on how they show past posts, which are now memories. Four years ago today Denny and I were at Centennial Terrace for the Beachboys concert, dinner first! Classmates from 1970. We had such a good time. We love the Beachboys. We saw them three times. So my song today, Wouldn’t It Be Nice. Why yes it would. Denny on the never ending shoreline of Heaven. I picture him everyday, in some extraordinary way, in Heaven. So I look for memories everyday to make me think of all of those memories! It’s fun to look at the dates. That is one of the wonderful things about Denny, he gave his family memories. We went through some painful stuff. But with his passing, all of the not so good memories passed also. I only want to think on the wonderful times and years that passed to quickly! I never thought about a time when that would be all I have. I only have to look around the bedroom and see, all I have are pictures with memories attached. Still, looking at all of his pictures, I find it hard to believe he is gone. I don’t like those thoughts! Just a whole in my heart, that will never be filled. God says, where your treasure is, your heart will be also! My heart is full of Denny. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Today started like any other, wake up early, coffee, ready for my walk. Getting easier to do six miles! Such a peaceful walk! When I got back, more coffee, had my smoothie. I just could not get with the program. I have been sad all day! I don’t know. I have felt like a mixed bag of nuts all day! I still got through the day! I love the grief group on FB. Very helpful! Once again, I am extremely tired! Here is this mornings tribute, 25 weeks today we had to say goodbye. Gods hand is on me! I draw my strength from him! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. In light of the family graduation yesterday, my cousins granddaughter. I got to see some people that I have not seen for a while! I find a family day like that, the best kind of love. The kind that warms the heart. Makes you smile every time you think of the fun, teasing and laughter. That’s the kind of cousins I have! I am fortunate enough to still have all of my cousins! Most of them are pretty darn funny. They made Denny smile, but yet, they were compassionate enough to show tears. Even though painful, they still came to see us. Family support! With everything that we have been through these past years, I stand in awe of my family! Denny and our kids, stand among the the most forgiving of hearts! It was a big deal at our house. If you love, you forgive! When you forgive, you also forget. Today I delivered the cookies to the shower. My daughter in laws family! We are all so close. I went to school with my daughter in laws parents. Small world. I love them all. They are all close, like our family. They take care of each other! So, walking in the hall, love was taking place. You know, finishing touches! My son went fishing today with his 3rd cousins and saw new 4th cousins. How many can say they have that. With FB I am connected with a lot of 4th and 5th generations. I find it all very special. I have lots of blessings to count! My cup runneth over! Because God is good! Losing Denny the way we did, makes me appreciate everything I still have. My mom and sister feel the same way! Count your blessings! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. Family grad party, always a good time with our big clan! So happy to be with my kids and grandkids for a gathering! So I already shared this gift on FB! My FB post, is my story tonight! God is first and foremost in my life. The family God blessed me with, is beyond measure! My kids and grandkids surprise me in countless ways! I love them so much! Praise God for the gift of family! Enjoy! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I still have not figured out how to arrange my days! Leaves me feeling a little flustered. I took care of Denny 24/7, I was more organized then than now! It’s probably not true, I just feel that way! I feel so tired! God wants me to rest. I am walking in the morning, no matter what. Then, I will be decorating cookies! Thank you all for loving my tattoo. A couple of peaceful images! I am going to sleep. The Beagle is snoring beside me! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. I have been on the go since 4:00am. Cleaned a house today! Past client. Met my daughter at the Brass Monkey Tattoo Co. we had our tulips touched up. No judgement please. Then I saw it, Denny’s name shaped like a heart. Tada. Late lunch, home. Then, invited to see my little man. Yes, he was happy to see me, tattoo and all. Lol. He is soooo precious! Thank you Dear God for another full day! I cannot keep my eyes open. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. Going way back over our years, years we took for granted! How do you walk through this life, arrogant enough to think, I have all the time in the world. Who on earth told you that? These are lies we tell ourselves everyday! We can do that tomorrow, when we are not promised tomorrow! We ran all over the place. We were all systems go on the weekend. Dinners out, take in 2 movies at a time! Denny was so full of surprises! For my birthdays and our anniversaries! That’s why I surprised him with the 40th ruby anniversary party. Just family and some friends! He was already ill. Lots of pictures taken, I love them all. When the person is gone, not enough pictures! He looked so handsome! A good memory day. We did a lot, we went a lot, not knowing our time was growing shorter! When things don’t seem to add up in a day. Everyone goes to the Dr. when things don’t add up, right? A few tests, results you do not want to hear. Like someone punched us in the stomach. 7 years is a long time, but, when it’s gone, it was not enough. Parkinson’s robbed him of so much. Now grief lives where Denny use to. Please don’t think, is she ever going to stop talking about grief, probably not. When I share with you every night, it takes me forever, because I have to keep wiping my eyes! So, as much as I want to write about my own and Denny’s life to help someone, really, writing to all of you is healing me! If only one person read what I write, and something helped them, I would be happy! Change in life is hard! Sharing your life, with all of its ups and downs, with your one true love, for 42 years. It feels like some one tore half of my body away! Had my hospice group on line tonight, it was good. Both of my grief groups will start up in August. I will keep learning how to grieve well! God is my focus, my light to follow. I will not let go of Him. He will see me through, to completion! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Why is this so hard to do? We were created by God, in Gods image. If you know anything about God, if I could pick for you, I choose the promises of God. They were written all of those years ago, to instruct us through this life! To comfort us as we go through trials. In this life you will have trouble, life is not fair, never was, never will be! God and God alone instructs and leads us on our path. No matter what our path, God is on that path with us. It’s hard to understand. When obedience comes into play, life seems a little smoother. The alternative, is to do what you want, there are always consequences for what we choose. Some of those consequences can follow you your whole life. Make peace with one another! Stop thinking how bad and awful other people are. None of us could possibly know what another is going through. You can only change you! Leave people that you think are so awful in Gods hands. You cannot get away from the news if you have a smartphone in your hand. I see bits and pieces. I wish I had the percentage on shootings. Since we moved in with mom, it seems like there has been a shooting every night. Before I go to sleep at night, my prayer is, Jesus come quickly! The world has become, a very sad place. Try to look at a persons heart and what they are going through. COVID-19 is not the only problem. People are in some serious situations. Heartbreaking. I really cannot imagine what Denny would think of all of this, having been a police officer. We really have to choose love, joy, happiness, kindness for all mankind, I know, that’s hard to grasp. Until we learn the concept of love and forgiveness, we will never have peace. I’ve tried my own way to many times! Gods way, is my only way, to peace of mind and heart! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3. Grief changes shape along the way, but, it never ends. I’m pretty sure it will go on the rest of my life. It’s a passage, it’s the price of love. We can be a light that shines, long after the storm! Just don’t forget to breathe. Some people are thoughtless with their words, like that can magically make it disappear. Grief is not a disorder, not a disease, or a sign of weakness! No medicine for that kind of pain, no cure. Grief is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity. You have to grieve, to take care of grief! There are steps to grieving well. You can move forward with all of the proper steps, and still cry about the loss of a beautiful life. Even in his 70’s, Denny was taken way to soon. Keep breathing, I tell myself, I want my life to be well lived. God is giving me that, not because I deserve it, but because God is loving and compassionate and forgiving. I know Denny is safe from all of the ugliness this world is going through! When my dad passed away, my weight seemed under control. I did not know how to grieve or anything about it. I sat down in our lazy boy chair and ate my way up to 234 lbs. Was that a healthy way to grieve? NO!!! I didn’t put in all of this work to be healthy, to go right back where I started! NO!!! I am 67, I am running out of time, so to speak. I need to make the best of my years left! It is what Denny would want. I know it is what God wants! Today is 6 months since God called him home! I’ll never stop missing him, my life can still move forward! It’s what Angel Wings would want! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. My face and eyes look different everyday. I compared some some pictures. I look so sad. It hurts to look at me hurting. Some times I feel like the little train, that just cannot get up the hill. I’ll make it, still moving upward! Today being Sunday, my home church of 40 plus years, opened the doors today! Wonderful to be back in the building, singing and worshiping. Not a lot of people, there was 2 services. Laid in the sun again, reading my book! My emotions swing at a fast pace. So thankful that God does not have emotions that are all over the map. He is the steady, solid rock of ages! To whom shall I run? Jesus! My best friend, who has my best interest covered. This picture today, I am calling the face of grief, because I can still smile, you can see it in my eyes! I can still face tomorrow because He lives. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. I had a great morning. The air was perfect for walking, 5.9 miles! I feel so good after walking. Mine is not a stroll, it’s aerobic. I want to stay healthy until God has other plans! So, after two great days, grief came for a visit today, unexpected! I have recently had to replace all of my clothing, because of weight loss and inches! Remember, moms house is small. When we moved in two years ago, big downsize. I have said for six months, I am not ready to do Denny’s clothing. Half of the dresser and half of the closet was still his. I am not ready to part with his things, but I did remove them, organized them, folded them neatly, in two laundry baskets. That will remain in here. I am resourceful with space. That’s where they will stay until I am ready. What I was not prepared for, was the rush of emotion, as I grabbed an arm full. I didn’t stop. I got it done. I am sure at some point it will be ok. I have cried most of the day. I went out and laid in the sun, vitamin D has to make you feel better, right? I read my grief book while out there. This book is so good, I am going to read it again and again, to stay well, in grieving well. Before bed, I started looking at pictures, round 3 came. I’m ok, I’m typing, laying my heart out here. You don’t just miss the presence of the person you had and loved for so many years, it’s everything you did, and said to each other, did together. Everything comes to a screeching halt. Let me say as lovingly as I can, if you are still fortunate to have your spouse, one of you is going to go through this first. Grab every minute and make it count, because it hurts like nothing I have ever felt! I have had, a broken arm, 4 middle of the body surgeries, 2 miscarriages, birth of 2 children, 3 joint replacements and nose surgery. All of that is painful, but it heals, it can be rehabilitated. You can’t do that with grief, no time frame. So, after the evening cry, I grabbed the iPad so I could poor my heart out to you all. I still know and do all of the right things to grieve well. Believe me, I call on God a lot and all of His promises. I know there true, because I recover. 45 years is a long time. I am selfish, I wanted so much more time. Yet I can smile about all of our wonderful times. We did have them. God was and still is so good! My home church is opening the doors tomorrow after 4 months! I can’t wait. It’s time to close my eyes, grieving is exhausting. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I ask myself this everyday! I am still going through books, video clips! Google is wonderful, shows all kinds of things to help in showing us how to cope. It is not a question that you can ask anybody. I think most don’t ask us, they think we will breakdown and start crying! It’s ok, to not be ok, every minute of everyday. Nobody expects perfect grief out of you. I don’t even know what that would look like! My crying has not stopped. It’s just at a different place, a different level, a different peek of high and low. I don’t ask myself why. I don’t expect more out of me than I can give. Then it all boils down to God. The maker of heaven and earth. I love Jesus, this world is in His hands. I believe with all of my heart that we are seeing the end! I am not a radical. I do know what the Bible says about the end! His blessed assurance. Wrap your arms around us Jesus, it’s a bumpy ride! I just ask, those of you out there, that are in the midst of your grief, tackle it as it comes. Don’t try to stuff it. It will only hurt you. You don’t have to ride it out alone. My heart still hurts and I know I am not alone. I want to continue to grieve well and healthy. It is possible, you have to want and seek it. No one can carry your grief for you. It’s a heartbreaking path, we have to get past. What works for me, might not be for you. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m praying for all of you and sending love. It does not feel like it, but, you will survive. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. Survival is possible, because I am choosing it. There are choices in every area of our lives! I could of said no today, I’m to sad, it won’t be fun. I love road trips. It has always been one of my favorite things to do. I had a fun and wonderful time with my family, and my granddaughters friend. The food and cheesecake was out of this world, the time with family, we all know is priceless! There is a lot to be sad about in this life! Look around, it’s everywhere. I would not be human if I did not feel sad about what we have just come through. I choose to not stay there. Life goes on, we all know it. I choose healthy movement forward! I want my families arms around me and I want my arms around them. I saw my son this morning before getting on the road! I took him a pie. God does not want me to live a sad life! How is a sad life going to be a witness in any way! No! It would not! Choose happy, joyful, thankful, grateful. You can’t stay sad making those choices! It is late. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I know I have talked about this before. It is important. I told Denny all the time, do not worry about tomorrow, we might not see tomorrow. Tomorrow will have enough worry of it’s own. I know I am looking to far ahead! So, right now, I am falling asleep. Going to Columbus tomorrow. The B-day dinner, Olive Garden. The pies were a hit. We did not get home till after 9:00pm. I love Birthdays! I love my family. Gods blessings for sure. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. Did I have a productive day? Yes I did! I started my walk at 5:20am, yes, it is daylight. One of my cousins met me and we caught up on family! Back home, ready for the day. My granddaughter loves Strawberry Pie. Denny loved strawberry pie. She likes that for her B-day. I made 5. I always over do. I did not get sad making them. I had music on, I was singing. My mind must be coming back, I didn’t have any mess ups. I had a B-12 shot scheduled, didn’t make that, stopped to the store, did some running around with the daughter, got home, ordered pizza, my favorite. Then outside to clean my car inside and out. Looks like a new car. Daughter , granddaughter and I are going on a road trip, Thursday. Taking a friend. Beagle can make a mess with her shedding. I just came in at 8:30pm. Why am I telling you all of this, because I am amazed. I have been so busy today, I did not have time to be down. Now, not everyday will be like this one. God has something to say about idle hands! I thought of Denny all day, with each thing I did. I always think of him when walking. What he is seeing in Heaven, is far more beautiful than what I’m taking pictures of. So, I think of the beauty of Heaven. Listening to his DooWop music. I have to smile making his favorite summer pie, he loved every bite. One thing Denny could not stand, is a messy car. He was a perfectionist about that. Today I did not have the sadness that has been with me for some time. Today I celebrated Denny with each thing I did. God is good. He is with me, healing me in some different way everyday. God knows best, not me. I will keep my hands and mind busy with good! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Don’t put off until tomorrow, what can be done today. That’s like trying to sweep dirt under a rug. You can’t see it, but, it’s still there! In a couple of weeks Denny will be gone 6 months. That cannot be possible! Just my thoughts! He is steady on my mind, day and night! The grief is changing, I feel it, I see it! I recover quicker. It doesn’t make t hurt less! God is the bright light that shines between Denny and I. I just miss him so much! Cannot keep my eyes open, and I had a nap today. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. I think about this a lot. Seek Him while He can be found! This picture of Denny, I, and the Beagle was a day trip, to just drive up North. Just one year ago, we were riding in the car, stopped at a park, stopped for something to eat! Then, one month later, all H… broke loose, so to speak. We had no idea that fall and fever, the morning of August 2nd, would be the beginning of Gods eternal plan for Denny! Just six months after that long stay and that feeding tube, he was taken! I could sit here and destroy myself thinking about how hard he fought. Denny is with Jesus and the angels, no doubt in my mind. God carried us for 7 years! I know with all of my heart, God will continue to carry me through, till I join Denny. My God is… still carrying me, aware of my struggles, always on time, all knowing, giving, love, grace, mercy, true, great, good, the word, perfect, our Father, everywhere, creator, forgiving, a way-maker, the way, truth, life, in control, healer, helper, my protector, my Savior, my friend, maker of heaven and earth! Did I cover it all? Everything you see, hear, touch, taste, in this world and universe! Is God and God alone! Good night. God bless. I love you all, God loves you more.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. Happy 4th of July. I pray you are all safe and sound! Very small group compared to years past. That’s ok, nothing stays the same. I miss Denny so much! God Will Make A Way, is a song that I listen to over and over, this past year. 1. It’s true. 2. It’s comforting. 3. It’s reassuring. 4. It’s a promise. This song was sung at Denny’s funeral. God is the only way to calm a grief storm, that at times, seems like it’s raging out of control. When it feels like raging waves are going to knock you down, again and again. That word again, feelings. I am so thankful that I don’t run on feelings anymore, even if it happens, I don’t let it stick around long! Acting on feelings can get you into trouble. This song was written by Don Moen after a tragic family car accident. I love all of his music. He is very talented. Read the words to this song. There are a lot of things in this life that can take you down. Losing my Denny is at the top of my list. It’s still so painful. I couldn’t do it without God! Keep moving forward, finish your race! I hear so much about picture taking! Keep taking pictures, of people, of your life story, not scenery. Someday that’s all that someone will have left. Pictures! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog! I’m feeling a little burnout tonight. I’m going to sleep. I’ll be back tomorrow! I just want to say quickly, how much it means to me to see your name on my blog! It’s exciting to see how many just over night. I love it, I appreciate all of you. But, I will be honest here! I started writing for me, a healing of sorts. I still get that. Talking about Denny, what we went through. You understand. I like to think I’m Wonder Woman!LOL!!! We know I’m not! God is the Wonder of Wonders! In Him, I find rest. Thank you. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. Well, my cleaning has started! I was in Michigan all day. I will be back in Michigan tomorrow. I don’t have a problem driving. I find something very satisfying when I am done with a home, a finished job. Although it doesn’t feel like a job. It feels like freedom. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But, I have said before, all of the time I spent in this room with Denny and after. I had a lot of time to think. I was not planning a life without him, yet I knew, I was going to be without him. I do not want to live in fear, or be scared, or afraid. I am able bodied to do the things I choose to do. I do not live by, what if. 5 months has passed already. Not once have I thought, I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m going to lay here and cry all day. Who would that help? It would make my family worry. They don’t want that for me. I don’t want that for me! I miss Denny like crazy. Just saying it makes me cry. My life is still here after the tears. I doubt very seriously if there will ever be a time that I won’t miss him. I see him in everything I do, every thought I have, some of Denny comes through. There is a big difference between feeling like there will be no life after Denny, and what is actually happening. I wanted at least 10 more years with him. I’m not angry with God for not letting us have that. I’m just not going to let myself fall into the feelings trap. I know what Gods word says, that’s my help, from the Lord. God is good and gracious. He will lead me on this path, that He has set me on. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. Guilt can be tricky and sneaky. I had lunch with 2 Bodi cousins today and one of his friends. I was doing really well. I was able to talk about Denny and special memories. A couple of tears came out, for a moment, the feeling of guilt washed over me. I had my hospice support group, loss of spouse. They always open up with questions, so I shared that thought. I don’t have unresolved guilt. I felt bad that Denny can’t enjoy anything anymore. Now, I know that is not true. He is enjoying heaven, not dealing with this world wide mess! Its the first that I thought that. It’s good to discuss and be done! I decided today after a past client that I cleaned for asked me to clean. I reached out to some past clients, now I have 5. I am so excited. Call me crazy, I love cleaning houses. I call it easy money. I don’t think I ever disappointed anyone. It is good to know and recognize, guilt and false guilt. I don’t want any of it hanging around me. That will keep me busy. I am very tired tonight. So, God is good. I have been praying for houses and just that fast, I’m on my way! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. My granddaughter does not live that far from us! Momma to that beautiful blue eyed great grandson baby! I was invited to swim and sunbathe. Her two brothers, that’s my grandsons and my daughter also! They were just here so Grandma Bodi could see them all! That made her so happy! Swimming and pizza today brought back so many memories of Butler St. days. We had a pool for most of our life there. We really got our use out of it! I couldn’t wait for summer holidays, family and the pool! Then the lazy summer days, no school, lunch by the pool! The last three young ones, grew up fast while their papa was sick. So today was extra special. Thank you kids, I had so much fun. Kids today just don’t know about the good old days. Denny was old school, all the way. It’s really one of the things we loved most about him. He still used a typewriter. When he finally got a cellphone, it was a flip. He liked some newer music, but not much. Doo Wop music, 50’s and 60’s love songs, we loved old movies, especially love stories and true life stories. We were almost 10 years apart, but we loved many of the same things. That era is called the good old days. A simpler time. No one was in a hurry! People took time out just to sit and visit. From the time grandchildren started for us, I wanted them with us as much as possible. It hurts the years I missed with the three younger ones. You cannot get back time. Things happen in life that none of us like, or even understand. So, every minute I can grab with them before they graduate, I will treasure. But, I also treasure the special time spent with Denny, taking care of him! God has His ways and reasons for the seasons He takes us through. I’m selfish, I wanted so much more time! So I count the years that we did have, countless blessings! I love my family more than life! Thank you God. You are so good to me! Good night. God bless!❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. I have been hearing a lot lately, where the death of a spouse is concerned, saying it is not fair, not one of us has the corner market on that! In this life you will have trouble! One of my favorite verses, in the book of James! Don’t we all know, death is a fact of life and has always been. It is not something new! If you were born, you will die! What I am learning, is how to handle it when it happens in a healthy way. When you say the word grieve, it sounds painful, someone is in pain. When you say, grieve well, doesn’t the word well make it sound possible, something to come from it! That’s how I felt when I read those words! You can turn a blind eye if you want, it does not stop death! From the time I heard the Dr. say Parkinson’s, I knew we were heading for something painful. Parkinson’s is not terminal, relief, not really. For seven years we new we were fighting a loosing battle. Did we stop fighting, no! That would not have helped him. I had no idea, I was in my own world of denial. I was not in a good place with God. Recovery helped me become strong, asking Gods forgiveness, gave me real strength. I had no idea what this disease would do to my precious husband, our kids precious dad, our grandkids precious papa and our little guy, great grandson, will not get to know him. I’m so happy his great papa got to meet him. Back to being fair. From the time you get married, one of you is going to die first! Now we do not sit around thinking about that, we would be depressed all the time wondering. Untimely death is shocking, it’s all shocking. None of us wants our loved one’s to be taken. These are facts of life. Grieving well, does not take you past all of the proper steps. It helps you deal with it all. That’s why grief support is so great, you are not alone. God is my anchor and it holds me through this storm. Put your trust in God. I am thrilled everyday when I look to Him for my answers! I refuse to live in fear! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. That’s me every morning, testing myself, like a running meter. I ask myself the same questions every day. How are you really doing? Can you get through another day? How’s the crying? More or less? Etc. I try to answer myself in a positive way. If I did move in a negative way, recognize, learn from it, and keep going forward! Nothing can take your memories away from you. They are yours! Not one person has the same memories as you. Even if the whole family is together. The daughters memories of her dad are different from the mother’s. The son also, it’s different. The grandchildren are the same, everyone sees things differently, yet you were all together! Thats Gods unique design for us. We all have hearts and brains. Yet, they are all different. Sadness, hurting, pain, broken-hearted, grieving, we all process differently! Yet, we all feel it deeply. No two are alike. Some of us cannot stop the tears, some feel that crying in their heart, in their brain. Not just my family, all families. Some cannot process at all, and do not seek any help. Like me, my thinking and grieving is so different now than when my father passed. Some time back I said my father has been gone 16 years, correction, he has been gone 14 years! I have learned a lot since then. Big difference between grieving healthy, or unhealthy. You can learn the difference. Do everything you can do to stay in good mental and physical health. There are a lot of avenues for help. I’m not afraid to admit or get help for it. I miss Denny, I love Denny, he is in my mind and heart continuously. It never stops, I am still moving forward with my precious memories from him and with him! Thank you dear God for how you designed us to move through this life in a healthy way, till you call us home! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. I am just in a praise God way tonight. I am forever blessed, because He called me out of the pit! He set me on a straight path. The name of Jesus is on my mind always. I must never forget how far you have brought me! Or, how far away I was. I smile, I have happiness and joy, all because of You going to the cross for me! My relationship with Jesus is very personal to me. He has to be all or nothing, you cannot serve two. When I am missing Denny all day, everyday. God says, be still and know I am here. He holds me, He comforts me, He whispers softly. He loves me. I went to a family B-day party, in Wauseon. It was just nice sitting there, counting my blessings. Here are some encouraging words. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. My daughter teaches dental. Good oral care is at the top of her list. A beautiful, genuine smile, that comes from the heart, is worth more than gold! Do you smile at people when you are out and about? If you give someone, anyone a big smile, you will usually get one back. When my daughter and I go into the park or out of the park, I wave at every car and smile. She said, why do you wave at everybody? If they are in a down mood, that might make their day! Who knows what they faced already since they have been up. I can smile through tears. A smile makes you happy and say’s hello! Denny had that sneaky, shy smile. I would look at him and say, what are you smiling about? He’d say, you. That’s a thing I miss! We have the power and ability to make others smile. It beats the hatred on every corner! If you do not know how to smile, perhaps you should practice in the mirror. Practice makes perfect. 21 days to form a new habit. Make it a good one! Jesus in your heart and smiling, go hand in hand! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. A little about Denny tonight. A metaphor of sorts. He came waltzing into my life, like dancers in a ballroom. My car accident came out of nowhere. The policeman who came in the donut shop, out of nowhere. He was shy and I was mouthy and sarcastic. Those blue eyes of his, I could not stop looking at them. When our daughter takes our picture at the park when we are walking, she says, wow, your eyes are so blue. I said, that’s what your dad said to me. He had all of those fluffy words. Like the movie said, you had me at hello. I did not tell him that. We danced around each others life, like no one else existed. We tripped quite a few times over a two year period. In the end, we both got the trophy. We danced through the years or did the years dance over us? I’m not sorry I accepted the dance. After years of dancing, falling down, getting hurt. The ballroom became secure, finally. We were able to keep dancing. All of that dancing started to stop in Denny’s life. He just became worn out. He had to leave the ballroom quite a few times. Tried dancing, no, I started to dance for both of us. That’s a lot of dancing. I did not tire from it. He was worth every move. We loved the colored ball of life twinkling around the room. I told him everyday, there would never be a dancer like him again. Once the ballroom closes, it will not be opened. It was just for us. Two people who did not know how to dance, became strong in many ways, because of our dance. The parties over, everything put away, now the doors are closed, but, I’m glad I danced with you. Thank you God for 45 years of dancing! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. I am reading the book Heartbroken Loss of a spouse. I don’t know that I have ever read a book this fast. Written by a Christian Hospice Counselor, Grief Specialist, he has written many books! My life is never going to be the same, learning how to grieve well and breathe. When I’m done, I might read it again, it’s that good. Tackles a lot of things. Almost every page, is a grieving person, telling how they feel and what can be done to grieve well! Feeling good today, spending a lot of time in the word. Walked this morning with my daughter, had my smoothie, laid in the sun. The sun makes me feel better, and reading my book! God is so generous and gracious to me! I need Him like never before. It is His hands that hold me and my life together! The Healer, Comforter, best friend, and physician! I’m covered. It’s all going to take place. I need to be patient with myself! Drink in what I am learning. Apply the positive things to my life. Above all, do not lose sight of the Lord. I have said before, I love the book of Job. That’s loss. I am working on getting this done a little earlier. My sleep is important to me, as is getting up early. I sound like broken record! I appreciate all of you. It means the world to me when someone likes what I write. You are loved. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Tuesday blog. I had my support group from Zeph Center tonight, on Zoom. We talked about complacency and moving out of your comfort zone! This bedroom I spend most of my time in, is very comfy and cozy. This is the spot where we spent most of his last two years of life. All of our prayers and conversations took place in here! His Urn is in here. Every hobby, craft, sewing, scrapbooking and writing I do, in here. It’s also my safe place, I can cry freely in here. Know one can see me or hear me. I don’t spend the day crying, I run in and out to see mom and the Beagle when she is not in here. So, after group, I asked myself, are you hiding in here? I didn’t think I was. I am 67, at some point in time I am going to have to move forward. Get a job, learn how to budget, earn credit. I was a stay at home mom. These normal everyday things are what people do everyday. Of course the pandemic through a wrench in everything! Beyond my have to’s, I need to venture out and stimulate my brain. God is my companion, I need to trust Him in all I do and all He has for me! He will open the doors! If I don’t put my wheels in motion, it will never happen. I’m more confident than that! So, please keep me accountable. As much as I love this room, I don’t want to stay in here until I die! I was with people this morning at Planet Fitness. It’s a start. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Monday blog. Who does not know the movie and the song. The Yellow Brick Road, more importantly, what were they looking for at the end of the journey? A Home, Denny and I raised our family on a brick road in East Toledo. It was a beautiful street when we moved in, 40 years of our life took place on that street! A Brain, mine is so cloudy, so foggy, like trying to look through steam covered glass, I’m running ahead of my grief! A Heart, I have a heart, it’s broken, I have to give it time to heal! And last, Courage, to face it all! Everything I want to do and need to do, will all take place as I move through healing, the grief process! I need to stop running ahead of myself, let the natural progression of the grief steps take place. I feel like a ship lost at sea! I know these things are not true. But, the grief is real. I have a lot of books on grief. I bought 3, 1 of them recently. I have a stack from the library. I have not read any of them. Today I picked up the new one. Broken-hearted, the loss of a spouse. I am halfway through it already. I did not want to put it down. There is hope for me!!! I’m just kidding. I know I am not hopeless. Everyone thinks I am doing great, why do I keep taking my grief temperature? I need to be patient with myself. I watched Denny’s memory video today, I loved it. I loved before, just couldn’t see it through the tears. I’m just really going to be blunt here. If you have a spouse, I don’t care what age. There are no guarantees. Life is not fair, I was grieving long before he was taken. Parkinson’s took him by bits and pieces. Being the caregiver, I had the ringside seat. I can’t even begin to find the words on how painful it was to watch my strong man who always took care of everything, being taken that way. I know I am not the only one in this kind of pain. I’m just sharing how bad it hurts. I don’t visit pity parties. Now that things are opening up, I can move into a different normal. What’s normal anyway. We all have something that hurts, this is by far my worst booboo. One day I’m ok, the next, I’m a mess. I recover from my mess. That’s a good thing. I am going back to Planet Fitness tomorrow! I can’t wait. So, in all of this messy grief business, God remains my focus, He hears me when I cry and think I’m weak, He sees me, when no one else can, and He understands it all. God sent His son to the cross to pave the way for me with His Amazing Grace. I don’t have to say anything else. I don’t deserve it. I was given the gift anyway. I felt the need to poor my heart out tonight! Why? You are all such good listeners. Thank you. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Sunday blog. Happy Fathers Days to all of you men that have various titles. The kids and I all had a rough day. That does not mean we had a bad day. They spent the day with their spouses and kids! I went to my granddaughters church, saw grandsons and great grandson. The hymns got me, singing about heaven, that glorious day, oh what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, and Denny! I trust you all had a wonderful day with your families! So thankful for last Fathers Day, with our kids and grandkids. Denny was still getting around ok. We had no idea then that we would not see him this Fathers Day. I know he is in heaven, there is a part of me that can’t believe he is gone. He is never far from my thoughts. So I am sharing my Fathers Day collage and message with you. I miss him so much. God is good, always. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Saturday blog. Sitting and thinking of our children. Their first Fathers Day without him, their dad. No shopping for special gifts or needs. Reading all of the cards, to pick just the right one. No gathering at a restaurant. I will miss all of that also. Always a gift and card from me and, cake or pie. They will all move about their day. Our son, son in laws and grandson in law. They will be honored from their children. It’s the circle of life again. It does not make the heart feel any lighter. So everyone out there, if you are fortunate enough to still have your dad, give them extra hugs and kisses. Tell them you love them, you are grateful for all of the years they spent taking care of you, to supply your every need and wants. I wish I could tell mine! I can send the words up to heaven, not the same. Fathers have big responsibilities. Especially if your children are involved in a lot of things. Someone has to make sure they get there. So, my heart is heavy tonight, thinking of them, while they have special memories running through their mind. Our 2 youngest ones, have never gone this long without seeing their dad. Denny has been gone almost 5 months. That seems very strange to me, going so fast, yet feels like slow motion. We all know we are going to go through it, that does not make it any easier when it happens. So, dig into your memory banks and pull out some good ones, something to make you smile. My dad has been gone 14 years. I talk about him without crying, I can look at happy time pictures from long ago and not cry. I cannot pinpoint any timeline for us. Take each day, as it comes! Deal with each tear, as it happens! Let’s honor and remember our dads and how they gave to us. I did not call on God for help with grief when my dad passed. God is my go to for everything, especially, a heavy heart. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Friday blog. I will not let grief beat me down or rob me of my life, or family. Grief is a thief. I know I have said that before. I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I have a Bucket list. No, I am not sharing it. I don’t have any idea what cost is involved, with any of the things I want to do and achieve. Personal goals. Never to late, never to old. Our daughter in law jumped out of a plane. Yikes! I do not like being on one, let alone jumping out the door. Not, on my list! I was taken to the Popcorn Factory today, by my daughter. The lake looked beautiful. It looked blue. Nice ride. Anything that has me busy, walking, talking, I think less about grief. Most of all, I do not want to talk about my life and change and not be living it. Does that make me perfect? NO. I’m human, I think I’m normal, whatever normal is. There are other issues I deal with daily, I am bipolar, I’m stable. I do not want to fight a battle everyday, when the victory is already won. Amen. The goal is not perfection or winning, it’s about finishing! My life, is over half gone. Since we do not know Gods timing, just keep running the race. It will be worth it. I’ll be there, I just don’t know when! Praise God for His healing touch! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Thursday blog. It’s not for everyone! I have off and on through my adult life! Always quitting, like everything else. I started my 8th journal today. Started in 2014, after the gambling confrontation with family. We all had a lot of pain going on. I call them, Life and Prayer Journal. I like the colored composition tablets. When I started, it was constant calling out to God. I wanted to be healed on the spot, that is not the way it works! Recovery took some time, eventually I wanted it! For me, journaling is like breathing. I need it. I can open my life on paper! I feel good after, like I accomplished something. Which I have! Journaling led to poetry, that led to blogging. It does have a healing affect on me! It is great to go back and read how far I have come. I also started a grief journal. I tell my journal good morning along with the Lord! I cannot say enough, how grateful I am. More 2nd chances than I deserved! God is my light, my beacon, my rock. I did have another good day. Gave mom a perm, later went to the snow cone fundraiser with family, for the Mason family. I cannot keep my eyes open. Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️

Good evening. Wednesday blog. We walked this morning, 6 miles, someone has blisters. Not me. My feet paid there dues. Both of my feet took a beating in the beginning. I do believe, no pain, no gain. I also believe, take care of yourself, while easing into new things! Blisters hurt, I have had plenty. They take time to heal. Now, shopping in flip flops, that does not hurt! Today, my daughter took me to, Old Navy, Ulta and Kohl’s. Sales!!! Although weight loss is great and has its place, it also leaves you with nothing to wear. I got a lot today. I was so excited! Raising 4 kiddos can get expensive. So, Denny and I put their needs first. We treated ourselves to new things, on special occasions. We never went without! When the kids grew up, they started getting us things! It’s a win, win. Brought salads from Bob Evans for moms and my supper. No crying, while shopping. This morning, I woke up before 5:00am. Granddaughter #2, shared a post about staying at grandmas house, I knew she must be feeling melancholy. I didn’t have to read much, I was sobbing, as my mind was flooded with memories from Butler St. I will never forget. Oh how much fun they all were, when they all stayed! I couldn’t wait for summer, lunch, and pizza by the pool! Movies in the living room. Homemade pancakes. Hide and seek, my favorite. Our house was big enough for that. Whatever reasons brought us to each others homes, my kids, it was reason enough to ask, can we stay at grandmas, or I would say, can they spend the night? Pretty much yes, every time. I could make myself sick from missing it all! They have all grown so fast. Shopping today kept my mind busy. Every night I sit here looking for images, that always tug at my heartstrings. I’m sure many of you have this going on in your life. Cherish every moment. I don’t have to tell my son or daughter in law. They are mesmerized by our newest member, their grandson. Already looking for him everyday, missing him as soon as he leaves! I love to say, and the circle of life goes round and round! I still need to be with them, they all miss their papa. I miss their papa. Doing for others keeps the mind busy also. I so miss baking for Denny. I baked cookies this past weekend. I had 9 plates, I shared with family. So, when you deliver cookies, you get to visit and get hugs! Thank you Lord! Going to bed with a full heart, makes a restful night! I can do all things in Christ Jesus. If any of you take anything to heart, let it be your family. Time is moving quickly! Do not miss a moment. One day you might be sitting in bed, alone, typing, praying, hoping, loving, that everyone of you sees how important family and friends are! Good night. God bless.❤️🤗🙏🏻🤗❤️